Hope: {from the floor}

 Are they trafficking the kids? I don't know, but why don't we consult the missing children network?

Why did he leave the family, and move in with the murdered man's wife of all people?

Is the rumor true that his dad is a drug dealer? Maybe there's a reason he is a known bully? What if he had a "good" daddy instead and he was given a different example to follow? What if his little sister didn't have to go home every night to an empty house for a few hours before any adults got home?

Why is that car shot full of bullet holes?

Her kids were taken supposedly cause of an ipad sold for drugs and it ended up still being found in a safe place. So why were they taken?

Her daughter was hit by a car, and recovered. So why does mom have memory problems that are typical of trauma victms?

Why does a little girl need to die after her dad runs a stop sign right after an argument with mom? 

What's behind the anger problem of 2 nd grader "Soe"?

Why is "Aung" or "Su" not in school again for the upteenth day?

Why should a girl miss school cause dad is in jail for a few weeks?

Why does a mom of a baby need to walk her older kids to school every day in the winter? 

What if an adult hadn't found the knives?

Ever been witness to foster kids acting out the traumas they have lived through? It messes with you like almost nothing can...

Why is the floor wet all the time in their apartment? Several injuries later, I think it's fixed, but who will take care of dialysis trips and other ongoing things?

Where is the church? Why does it feel like I live in a 3rd world country most of the week, and then make a trip to the 1st world on Wednesday night and Sunday morning?

There's a lot more stories. 

Questions. Real life situations. 

How do you stay engaged, and not burn out? There's a lot of trauma and damage that is a normal part of refugee life.  Married people chasing each other with knives. Yes, they don't know a different kind of normal. So how do you process the drama, and not get messed up?

Burn out is real. Answers don't come easily. I've made mistakes in how I handle and cope. But there's got to be a way to do life without making radical moves to Florida to regroup.

Diane Langberg said in Suffering and the Heart of God that first all of life is allowed for one purpose: glorifying God. And she gives us 3 steps for how to approach all of this chaos. First, with Him. Next, for Him. And finally, by Him. He helps us do impossible. A lot of us need to be begging Him to change us first so we can be like Him. At least I have to. 

So what are the secret weapons for dealing with desperate scenarios?

God, God, and God. Maybe there's a reason for the trinity beyond some theological explanation?:)

Letting God fix my heart first. Unhealthy stuff and wounds of the past are terrible motivation for helping someone else, unless they are healed. Huge.

Companionship. People who enter the trench. Rare gems, but worth praying for and cultivating relationship with if you have them. The people who are involved at this level don't look or act much like me, but I get hope and encouragement from seeing and knowing that they are out there. Anyone interested in helping is actually encouraging. I'm hoping for some to partner with more in the future.

Social life. Some recharge for the batteries helps.

Setting expectations realistically is a game changer. Change doesn't happen overnight for most people. It doesn't for the stubborn ones like me, at least. What if success is simply being there for people as a witness? What if their lives never change, and all I am actually supposed to do is offer an ounce of love when their need is for a fire tank engine full of love to combat the trauma? What if my prayers are not answered, and their lives get worse instead of better? What if God never called me to fix everything?

I know. I ask too many questions. Ever since I was a small child, I have asked enough questions to earn the name, "Question Box." A few family jokes center around odd answers to my questions. But I still think questions are worth asking.

I don't have it figured out, but I think Langberg in her book brings out a truth. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and enter into messy situations. We are also called to enter in, but not necessarily to bring success and transformation. PTL! If that happens. But we are only asked to sit in and show a different kind of normal. We don't have to be the Saviour, the mechanic, or the Doctor. We just are who we are because of what Jesus did in our lives, and that is enough.

We don't have to write long reports, make up crazy goals, and measure success by human expectations. We need to focus on Jesus, be as healthy as possible emotionally and spiritually, and show up to love those around us. 

We don't need more unrealistic expectations for performance thrown at us by the powers that be. No crazy challenge to do another project when we are already tired. No judgement when we can't keep up anymore. No self righteous airs need to be mentioned. At some point, we just have to stop people pleasing and make peace with reality that their expectations and my ability doesn't match. 

 We just need more people who are willing to say that they laid on their kitchen floor and cried and needed counseling several times during their career. People who offer grace. Thank God some of these brave women showed up for me! We need people who admit that they need transformation as much as the broken situations I mentioned earlier. That's when burnout stops for a second. And hope begins. 

Beautiful hope.

When you are at the bottom, and you find God can still reach beneath your floor, there's new hope. I've laid there myself and played Laura Story's 'You Cannot be Stopped', on repeat. I've found hope in knowing He is not challenged by any circumstances.

Be real. Offer hope through the mutual mess, instead of sounding like you got it together. Let the scenarios remind us of how much we need God ourselves. Offer the hope that is only found on kitchen floors. 

I'm still in recovery. Maybe still in heart surgery. Keep praying for the journey.

Divine Providence

 I wasn't offered a job I was pretty confident that I could do back in 2018. So I was jobless for a week longer than I hoped. 

A lot can happen in a week. I was invited to a meeting that was far more important then I knew until I arrived. I looked around at the dignitaries who sat around the table. State Representatives, Police officer, non-profit directors, and the girl who had recently returned from Asia. The only thing I felt I had in common was that I observed around half were left handed like me. Not much to have in common, but it was something. The topic was refugees so we quickly forgot our differences, and dug in.

Sitting across from me was the woman who eventually would be my boss at district level. She is one who believes in people, and gives them a chance. So for the past 2.5 school years, I have had this position because way back when I was rejected from another opportunity, I had the time to go to a meeting with the big people. A meeting that would shape a bit of my life.  I didn't start working for her immediately, and for the summer, I had another job that would accommodate my emotional rollercoaster of re-entry. As soon as I was hired at EACS, I realized it was a Providential Hand that gave me a week of free time in the spring.

Sometimes, it's clear. God has us hemmed in behind and before. Sometimes we can hear Him say, "This is the way, walk in it." 

Sometimes, it's not as clear, and we have to remember the ways He led us in the past. Once, we drove to the Thai/Burma border looking for possibilities, and hit the jackpot of Opportunities. It was one step that led to another. Another time, God promised me 3 times that the door would be open. Only later did I find out that the agent working on our visas had to apply the 3rd time before she was successful, and then we were in the last group to get visas. I could tell a lot of stories, and you probably have bunch of your own. Remember those stories.

Other times, confirmation comes alongside us, one moment at a time. I handed in my resignation at work, and the next day I overheard a conversation that said they had a replacement. I had been praying that they would find someone before I left, so it was an answer to prayer.

Rick always told us to follow the peace of God. There's a lot of reassuring that comes with it. We might not know what is coming next, but we don't have to worry. 

We are commanded to be anxious about nothing, but pray about everything. In waiting, it's not easy. But if you go around the mulberry bush of change often enough, it does get easier.

So in the space of waiting to see what 2021 will hold, I reflect on God's goodness, and thank Him for the stories of the past. Stories that clearly dictate that no matter how much I try or do, ultimately there is a Divine Providential Hand on all of the details in life.

Instead of waiting until we can see it clearly, let's start praising and thanking God for what He has done, and what He will do in the future before we know what it is.

If He gives us a idea of what might be coming, but it feels impossible, then let's reflect on Who He is, and His capability, not the circumstances. Cause in the end, it's what His Providential Hand does, instead of what we do.

He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we can imagine!