Cures for the Soul

I was amazed that a secular book would talk about forgiveness as an essential tool to overcome trauma and toxic relationship styles. For both the offending party, and for yourself. I believe there is a lot of truth in that, but more from a Biblical perspective.

Over in Myanmar, I traveled with a friend to her hometown and experienced life from a local perspective. The thing I remember most, and has influenced me a lot was watching her extremely bitter Aunt interact with my friend and the community in general. She had better relationships with her 7 dogs and 9 cats then she did with the humans around her. In that moment, I knew that if I didn't want to be like that when I get old, I have to do something about it now. This started the process of studying forgiveness and not turning to resentment. Sometimes, at least for me, it's good to have an example of what you don't want in order to go after what you do want.

So we are commanded to forgive our brother till 70x7 or 490 times. For those of us with elephant memories, it's hard to forget things, but it would still be hard to keep track till about 500.

I remember reading a book that talked about how you need to bring things to God and allow Him to help you work things through, before you can actually forgive from the heart. From personal experience, I tend to agree with this, versus the push to “Well, just forgive...” Yeah, I've been there and tried. Doesn't work. I hope it does for some, but I've found that forgiveness requires supernatural assistance. I've also discovered that God is more then willing to help with things like this.

In Jesus' prayer pattern, it talks about God forgiving us as we forgive our debtors. A parable also illustrated that we need to forgive to experience forgiveness. This secular book even mentioned that as we turn to healthy values, and pursue those things, we attract those values and relationships with people who are also pursuing healthy things like forgiveness. So as we seek to forgive and leave things in the hands of God, we will find forgiveness.

John Bevere says (I'll put into my own words here ) that until we leave offenses in the hands of God, God's hands are tied and He can't correct that person until we surrender it to Him. Once we leave the righting of a wrong in His hands, and up to His timing, He can do whatever He wants with it. We don't need to worry about whether His side of justice will handle it, or if He will be merciful. As a school counselor says at Southwick, “Fair isn't having everyone be treated the exact same way. Fairness is everyone getting what they need.” Reality is, if you really leave it in the hands of God, you stop worrying about what happens after that.

While we need to validate pain, and acknowledge it for what it is, we can't stop there. We need to get to a place where we can rest with the hurt feelings underneath the urge for revenge or resentment. We can give those feelings space to be, but then ask ourselves if we want to be controlled by this drama forever, or have the choice to allow our hearts to be free and blossom? At some point, we need to stop worrying about what they did, and make the decision to allow ourselves to grow and get beyond what an evil world is intent on doing to not just us, but everyone.

After we have applied forgiveness, we can center ourselves on unconditional love. Stop and reflect on that a bit. How do you reflect on God, and His promises, His loving character, and the truth that He loves you?

Recently, I was given a package of beautiful 5x7 cards with Scripture scripted elegantly on them. One of these says “Because I am, you are.” On the back, is a long list of Who God IS, and what we are because of Him. We've seen lists like this in multiple books, and been told to memorize and get truth into our brains, but until we open our hearts, it doesn't really sink in.

The Bible has a lot of promises from beginning to end that we can cling to. It also is the best “Romance Story” ever. If we doubt that we are loved, go from the beginning to the end and read it word for word. Love is dictated throughout the whole Book.

Even if our family forsakes us, God will still love us. That is unconditional. There is no performance required to keep it coming, or to get it. God loved all of us so much that He gave His most valuable relationship and allowed His own Son to be sacrificed for us. I think most of my readers know these Scriptures and the doctrines of Christianity, so I won't go diving into this other then to encourage you to read and claim it for yourself.

Many of us have also read the “5 Love Language Series.” I heard someone say recently that if our love language is “Words of Affirmation” and we are verbally abused, it hurts us worse then someone with a different love language. I bring this up because we often think God is like our dad was, or that the way other people treat us is the same thing that God thinks about us. That's not necessarily true. Take some time to reflect on this in your own life and challenge yourself to believe truth instead of lies. Circumstances don’t change truth, neither is it based on truth.

Another aspect to look at is that depending on your gender, love or respect means more to you and motivates you differently then the opposite gender. Regardless of what this Ephesians passage has motivated you to believe or react to it's truth, God is still more love then your husband can give you, or more respectful then your wife. We can't allow marriage relationships or the lack of them to define what God's unconditional love looks like. BTW, on a big rabbit trail for the ladies out there, if you think about how you act when you don't feel loved, then you can start to understand his craziness when you don't offer respect and allow him to do all those crazy wild things. Don't even think about trying to tame him or just make him love you. It's not the way he was made. The quicker we can latch on to that truth, the better we'll all be. Enough said for the moment. Back to unconditional love...

When I stop and think about the fact that God sticks with me through thick and thin, I know that I am loved. Look at Luke 7:47 and see the correlation between forgiveness and ability to love. Coming in touch with our own pain, and the broken things we do because of our pain and realizing all of this drama can also help us find truth like how much God has patience, mercy, grace and love for us. When I think about it, I just gotta shake my head in awe, say thanks, and live life in a way that glorifies Him as much as I can.

Meds don't heal trauma, but guess what!??? Unconditional Love does!! They say that Adhd and PTSD have a lot of the same symptoms. How many kids are drugged, instead of loved? Stop and think about it awhile. Adoption and love are both central themes of the Bible. God is the Master healer. Hats off to all the people who partner with Him to make a difference in this world.

So wrapping this all up, I find that forgiveness is a way to getting to know how much unconditional love God has. After we take that first step of letting go, we open our hearts for so much more. God's got more love to give then all the offenses in the world piled together. There is more then enough to go around. And it's deeper then we can fully understand.

When we start living out of how loved we are by Him, and getting our worth, value and self esteem from Him, instead of turning outward to other sources, our lives and perspective on life is transformed. What I'm finding is that sometimes it takes an extreme amount of pain to get to the point where we stop turning to other things like I talked about in the last blog post, and start reaching for something more solid. Once we find His love as our anchor, it changes everything. We are deeply loved, and there is enough space for us to feast at the Family Table, too.

Isn't it worth going to the pain of finding out what this truth is? :)

Stop the Craziness!

A friend once recommended a book entitled “Crazy like Us” to me and it's been fodder for rumination ever since that day at Coffee Circle in Shwe Gon Dine, Yangon. Shwe Gon Dine has to be one of the worst traffic jams in this city even though most of Yangon is a perpetual traffic jam. The squealing horns, brakes and tight spaces of overcrowded buses add so much color and illustration to this topic that I can't resist. To be honest, I'd rather get off a mile before and walk the rest of the way. That's my protective self making sure that no body bursts my personal space, or worse, spills their oily lunch on my clothes in the swaying. Isn't that why we have protective selves in the first place? We want to make sure that no one gets too close to our pain, and that their mess doesn't spill over on us. Sometimes, it's for a good reason like not having hours and hours to scrub a dress because someone else's oil stained it, {been there, done that} but sometimes it's just selfishness.

The book shows how the western world of psychology has traveled to the East and given them the same afflictions we deal with that were previously unknown in these cultures. As these mental conditions and diseases were broadcast into these cultures, people who previously had no culturally appropriate way to express a variety of emotional pain would turn to these new ideas and tweak their experiences to fit the symptoms of the illness that was now culturally approved as a legitimate condition. Anorexia, for example, became a “thing” in places where it was unheard of.

In the Mennonite world, we too have culturally appropriate ways to express pain and negative emotions. I've been thinking about how much the way we feel is affected by the culture we find ourselves in, and how it gets expressed. For starters, we could find a lot of workaholics, and justice fighters or on a mission “to save the world and the whales while we're at it” in our circles. These are perfect protective selves. We cheer these efforts, and rally around these people like they are heroes. But we don't stop to think about what might be behind their hard work. Perfectionists, Good and godly, and submissive or telling people what they want to hear instead of hard truth might be other nice protective selves that we turn to in order to cover pain and to find safety. I'm sure I haven't exhausted the list of things that commonly float across a counseling office desk. This isn't to say that all hard work is bad, or that there is a demon behind every good bush. But stop and think about it. Become aware of what you turn to.

We have this deep desire to show that we have it “together.” And even more then that, we have pressure from our culture to have it together. After all, the Gospel dictates that redemption, rescue and saving are part of the story. And these are real, legitimate pieces, but we don't often give room for “Paul's thorn in the flesh.” God doesn't always heal instantly, or permanently. We'd like that, and often we expect that, or feel that expectation from others. So we reach for protective measures so no one knows what pain we have going on.

Am I suggesting that we don't confront external issues? No. We should deal with things, and sharpen iron with iron with accountability and relationships where mutual growth is encouraged.

Am I suggesting we go find excuses from our past and reasons for our behavior and people to cast blame on? No. 

What I am suggesting is that we embrace the process. That we dare to ride the waves of it all. Feel the pain and the joy. And be real with ourselves, instead of believing the lies we tell ourselves.

We claim to value authenticity, but then conform to whatever gets the approval of the people around us. What I'm suggesting is that we be real with the protective selves we wear, the masks we flippantly change out even subconsciously, and that we dare to sit with the pain long enough to allow healing from the inside out instead of an external act that lasts for a while. If we can be honest with ourselves and a few trusted friends as needed, we can find the freedom to relax, watch our pain ebb away, and become whole.

What if we started giving mass invitations in our culture to be real? What if we allowed people to be who they are, and not create these certain cultural norms for how one should act or handle certain topics? Last time I checked, when I was in a group (outside of very close friends) that I felt safe enough to be completely real with them, I actually was more mellow then protective self I'm used to turning to. :) Oh, there were a few dramatic moments, but basically that was just from the anxiety of getting the pain out, and spoken to the group. I soon discovered the freedom I found was worth far more then the panic of spilling. So don't think that if you let all cultural norms go, the world will become crazy. I think if we are really real, and offer a safe space, peace starts to flow, and makes things more sane.

I have a conjecture of a theory that if we all stopped using our protection and masks, a lot of striving, conflict and more would cease. If we had any idea of the magnitude of what someone else was going through, or saw things through their eyes, we'd likely have more empathy for them. Can we let our own guards down as well so that others can see our own vulnerabilities we try to hide? We're hurt in relationships but we also heal in relationships.

So the real heart of this matter is to let ourselves and others sit in the pain, and allow God to heal from the inside out. He is the best Healer out there. We are not going to find it till the day we chose to feel the waves, the storm, in it's full blast. But in the eye of the storm, there is a calm that carries us through. So regardless of what cultural norms are out there, and what people around expect, or project on us, venture into the middle of the pain. Go deep enough to focus on what is beneath the external drama and the things you reach for. There is where you will find healing.

Guess what?! even if you keep tight reigns on your protective gear, subconsciously things will still spill out. A reminder of one pain may nudge you on to hint at another. I realized more recently that for some reason, I waited to numbly tell someone about some painful news I'd heard that morning till hours later as we rounded the same corner where another painful, traumatic conversation had happened years before. I could have said something sooner, but I believe now that the prior unprocessed event triggered spilling the news there. And the crazy thing is, I never made the connection till after I found healing from the first event that the second conversation was on the same corner. I'm saying all this to say, you can only protect so much. At some point, pain spills when it's triggered.

While both of these events have impacted me in ways I don't even fully understand, I can testify to healing coming years later. If it's been a long time, give up the protection masks and go there with God and a few trusted people. Healing can come!

As was illustrated at a trauma conference by Becca Johnson that I attended a few years ago, one incident can knock a person off kilter and as they flounder around, they seem to attract more trauma, which makes the tailspin go even faster. So why not deal with it as it happens? :)

One thing I really want to be more aware of and do more of is go to God and sit awhile after drama, because that is when we are most vulnerable to lies coming in. Stop clenching my fists, being a strong woman and just turn in to God for comfort and deeper understanding of the situation. I'm amazed at how clear things get to be when I let go of the protective things, and turn towards Him.

I recently read a secular book about healing after toxic relationships. While not from a Christian perspective, the author encourages us to forgive and center in on unconditional love, both of which are strong Biblical principles. I want to leave you here with hope, and something to dig into... and the next blog will be exegetic of these 2 topics.