They say no voice can praise just like yours, nobody can dance just like you, and nobody can have the same fingerprints or pupils we have. No one has our story exactly either although we can find people who have similarities.
Sometimes with a “being” mentality, we have the idea that that includes keeping the walls, the covers in place while we hide. Being embraces the broken pieces of our story, and realizes that sometimes “God heals our heart, but not our wounds.” Thanks to Matt Bays, author of “Finding God in the Ruins” I have been contemplating on this... our hearts and not our wounds. Covering wounds don’t help them heal. And most of the time, they surface anyway. Occasionally, they happen in the middle of our face and nothing can hide it. I would rather skip the stories of stitching up my face in Thailand, or cut lips, or well, yeah, some of us just have ways of getting ourselves into weird situations. But eventually the bandage has to come off, and people ask questions.
Let’s get a little more clear. Sometimes we excuse our masks, our false selves and say everyone needs to just accept me being me. That part of just being isn’t what I think we need to keep, just to put that out there.
However, if the story has been hard and broken, just “be” with it, and have real conversations with God about the time you felt betrayed by Him, or whatever it was. Doesn’t mean you have to tell the whole world, but tell the ones that matter.
So back to healed hearts but wounds that won’t scab, and close up with a scar. We will have certain themes that follow us for life, unless God mercifully removes a thorn from our side. Can we accept those parts of the story, and just acknowledge for a moment that we will always “be prone to wander, prone to leave the God we love?” Maybe it’s rejection that keeps your walls in place. Maybe it’s pride, greed, or something else that you hide. Sometimes God helps us let down the guard, the false selves, and the coping mechanism we turn to, and with that, healing comes to our heart.
The wounds of the past can’t be replaced with a new story. If you were abused or neglected, you can not change the stories to be what you needed. Those stories will remain the same. To a certain point, you will have healing and will continue to heal, but the unmet needs will always be there.
We don’t revisit the past for excuses. We go there to find what lies we started believing. When we change our thoughts and beliefs, we change our lives. We may have been harmed, but the coping mechanisms and false selves and unredeemed stories have the potential to do more damage than whatever they did.
If you look back, there’s always a good chance that you will see times where you became more compassionate, more of an advocate because of what you experienced. If you allow yourself to become a better person instead of bitter, there is a good chance you will.
You will probably see pieces of God in it as well that you would never want to lose. Maybe it’s a story of praying that God would help you forget because you were too young to understand or deal with the situation. And then years later, someone apologizes for the situation, and instantly you remember for the first time what you asked God to wipe from memory. God honored that prayer. Maybe it’s a different way He came through for you.
When it comes to “Just Be” in our hard pieces, allow God to use those when He wants to. I remember once when God clearly prompted me to share a piece in Asia that even went against Asian cultural grain. The Interpreter was flipping out on me, but it was the truth. Days later, I noticed one girl was only coming to my class and not general assembly. One day we had a “glare down” because she didn’t believe the truth I was teaching. Non-verbal communication is real, especially if there are language barriers. Later, I found out she struggled with the same piece I had shared. Fast forward a few years, I ran into a man from her primitive village... a God story all its own because it was hours away from the village and we just ‘randomly’ walked into this house on our way somewhere else. She seemed to be doing better, from what he said. For the 3 years in between, she was a regular on my prayer list. In my heart, I believe that I will see her in Heaven and I can’t wait to really talk with not one single barrier like language or an obnoxiously loud and opinionated male Intrepreter from a female speaker to a female audience. So if God tells you to say it, put it out there, even if there is an uproar. And sorry. I don’t feel the urge to spill all and go into details of the hard piece. If you feel the urge to message and ask, I can tell you.
“Out of your greatest pain will flow your greatest ministry.” One of my favorite teachers had me questioning his statement for a while. But it’s true. When we talk about the hard things as He leads us to, God things happen. I remember a weekend where I was asked to share with youth girls. My sister thought I should not do it, and didn’t want to help with an aspect that I wanted help with. But I knew what God had said, so I did what I wouldn’t have chosen myself. And He blessed it in extraordinary ways as that group connected in ways it almost never had before.
Maybe it’s the redemptive theme of my life to tell people that this is true that “Out of your greatest pain will flow your greatest ministry.” Maybe your motif is a bit different, but let the hard pieces be used for His glory. Whatever we do, let’s drop our guards in the circle we find ourselves in, and share as the Spirit leads. There’s a good chance there is a “Me, too” just waiting to happen.
Own your story. The whole bloody, sweaty, sticky beautiful masterpiece is all uniquely and amazingly yours. People have told me that my version of ‘Noah’s flood’ would be a gold mine for years to come. I wanted to throw them overboard, but I know that there is truth in their words. I don’t see it all yet, but I believe somewhere the other side of the rainbow, I can cash in the gold pot and help someone for His glory.
SuperFood:
In 1 Samuel, it talked about difficult and depressing circumstances like his wives being kidnapped and taken for slaves, but “David encouraged himself in the Lord.”
In the Corinthians passages, Paul said his sufficiency is of God. He also talks about not being overwhelmed by hard stuff. Persecuted but not forsaken, cast down but not destroyed. Corinthians also talks about us comforting people like God comforts us.
The thing with super food is that we don’t seem to absorb it as well when life is good. It takes on meaning when we are desperately hungering and thirsting.
So be real with God, and let Him talk back to you. Whatever He has to say, expect profound. I was angry about a certain situation and why the redemption didn’t come till almost 15 years later... God asked me if life would have been easier if it hadn’t happened, resulting in me buying into lies? Umm, no. I don’t think God wants us to believe lies, but this is one of those times when He turned a bad situation into something for my good.
I often contemplate the truth of the words of the rat race lady of Myanmar... “A lot can be accomplished when nobody cares who gets the glory.” (Minus glorifying God) Let God be glorified in your whole story, including the hard pieces.
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Perspectives
"Maybe we should consider the possibility that we haven't been put in their lives to help them get healed. Maybe, in fact, the reverse can be true: that they are God's gift to us, showing us how to grieve, how to plumb the depths of hell and survive, and how to find grace." -Matt Bays
It's all in perspective. Maybe you don't question your life, and the situations around you as much as I can. My main question is not if it makes a difference. My main concern is whether I have the energy.
My former student gave a devotional recently, and quoted Oswald Chambers. I will rephrase the main concept. We are called to be exhausted. We are Jesus and His love, His energy to people until they directly connect to Him. We are called to exhaustion... Unless as Chambers goes on to say, we are constantly refilling where we need to- from Jesus. My student also talked about how the last mile is the hardest, and we should not quit, because we may almost be there. He is as brilliant as ever.:)
When situations go beyond our control or understanding, we have to grieve the losses. There's a lot of things wrong in this world, and nothing I do will change much of anything. All I know at the end of the day is Someone who walks with us, and isn't shocked by anything. Having Someone who knows the end from the beginning is comforting, but I think He also cries at the pain, the difficult with us.
Entering a living hell and surviving... There is something about walking in a dark alley full of hunger for all kinds of things that changes your perspective on life. The claws that reach to devour you aren't easily forgotten, and give a new compassionate understanding for those caught in their grasp.
Next time you experience any negative emotions, think about what is behind it. Often it's a good desire that wasn't met. It's a "hunger" for something, and at first glance it feels most powerful to choose the negative reaction vs. acknowledgement of the desire. Don't surrender to the negative, because that is where "hell" enters. I have experienced hunger for food to the point of it affecting my emotions. Ever since, I ask any behavior challenged child if they are hungry. It's a legit thing, people. I could change my situation and eat more, but they can't always.
At some point, you realize that the only way out is grace, and you desperately plead for it, for them, for you.
Perspective changes when you realize that without the drama, you would be a very different person. And at that point, you become thankful.
This journey is God's gift. His severe mercy. We pray for something, and He doesn't give it because He has our best interests in mind. Recently, He has shown me why He didn't answer a prayer from a long time ago. I'm thanking Him over and over and over again now. My life may be dramatic, but I also realized the drama I have been spared from. So if life hands you things you didn't want, just think about the wisdom of the person who said that if we knew what He does, we would choose the same story He did. It's a gift for us, His beloved.
So truly, Mr. Chambers wisely counsels us to go to the real Source of energy. We have to feast like Elijah because just like the angel told him, "The journey is too hard for you." And he went on that energy for 40 days. Read 1 Kings 19 for more details.
If I am going to keep entering the living hell of broken lives around me, I will need to have connections with the energy Source. I will also need the humility to say that they are His gift to me, teaching me how to grieve, how to live, and Who He really is.
It's all in perspective. Maybe you don't question your life, and the situations around you as much as I can. My main question is not if it makes a difference. My main concern is whether I have the energy.
My former student gave a devotional recently, and quoted Oswald Chambers. I will rephrase the main concept. We are called to be exhausted. We are Jesus and His love, His energy to people until they directly connect to Him. We are called to exhaustion... Unless as Chambers goes on to say, we are constantly refilling where we need to- from Jesus. My student also talked about how the last mile is the hardest, and we should not quit, because we may almost be there. He is as brilliant as ever.:)
When situations go beyond our control or understanding, we have to grieve the losses. There's a lot of things wrong in this world, and nothing I do will change much of anything. All I know at the end of the day is Someone who walks with us, and isn't shocked by anything. Having Someone who knows the end from the beginning is comforting, but I think He also cries at the pain, the difficult with us.
Entering a living hell and surviving... There is something about walking in a dark alley full of hunger for all kinds of things that changes your perspective on life. The claws that reach to devour you aren't easily forgotten, and give a new compassionate understanding for those caught in their grasp.
Next time you experience any negative emotions, think about what is behind it. Often it's a good desire that wasn't met. It's a "hunger" for something, and at first glance it feels most powerful to choose the negative reaction vs. acknowledgement of the desire. Don't surrender to the negative, because that is where "hell" enters. I have experienced hunger for food to the point of it affecting my emotions. Ever since, I ask any behavior challenged child if they are hungry. It's a legit thing, people. I could change my situation and eat more, but they can't always.
At some point, you realize that the only way out is grace, and you desperately plead for it, for them, for you.
Perspective changes when you realize that without the drama, you would be a very different person. And at that point, you become thankful.
This journey is God's gift. His severe mercy. We pray for something, and He doesn't give it because He has our best interests in mind. Recently, He has shown me why He didn't answer a prayer from a long time ago. I'm thanking Him over and over and over again now. My life may be dramatic, but I also realized the drama I have been spared from. So if life hands you things you didn't want, just think about the wisdom of the person who said that if we knew what He does, we would choose the same story He did. It's a gift for us, His beloved.
So truly, Mr. Chambers wisely counsels us to go to the real Source of energy. We have to feast like Elijah because just like the angel told him, "The journey is too hard for you." And he went on that energy for 40 days. Read 1 Kings 19 for more details.
If I am going to keep entering the living hell of broken lives around me, I will need to have connections with the energy Source. I will also need the humility to say that they are His gift to me, teaching me how to grieve, how to live, and Who He really is.
Saturday, June 15, 2019
The Prayer of the Children
This choir season, my favorite choir is singing the song you are probably familiar with: ''The Prayer of the Children". It strikes a raw chord with people who work in the field I do. There are so many broken stories I can't repeat for the sake of the children's privacy, but I will tell you that you don't have to go far to be able to find children begging for a little love. I can tell you of a few who literally go running crazy wild if you love on them cause they don't know how to handle it.
The most heartbreaking thing though is when you realize that all around you are adults who 'sang' this song as kids and never found 'loving arms' before they grew up. I will always remember the night she showed me the self inflicted cuts she had on her arm. I started crying because I realized she couldn't, and this was her "cry." I don't remember what all I said, but I remember her telling me to stop crying. Oh dear girl... It's not good to get emotional or react in front of struggling people, but I feel intuitionally that she needed to know her story is tears worthy.
While I was sitting at the mechanic shop this week, getting an oil change, the lady at the front desk and I got into a conversation. It's easy for people to throw money out there for you name it in situations like these mentioned above, but reality is, we need more bodies and people are willing to teach life skills, love, and enter into messy. It's hard to find people willing to make commitments like that. If you repeat the words of the song to yourself, it asks for loving arms away from harm, not for cash.
I understand we are all busy. I get it. I am, too. I am not calling anyone out. I just want to invite you to the rich life of making a small difference in a child's life.
As we enter into the story of the kids down the street, we find our own brokenness as well, and together we can all find healing in loving arms.
As a PS to this post, I pray that the current heartbreaking situation in Haiti, as well as for the roughly half of the global refugee populations (65.6 million in 2017) who are under 18 that are vulnerable to all kinds of abuse, that especially these would find loving arms away from harm. Amen.
Saturday, June 8, 2019
Toxic
This word, toxic, comes up a lot these days.
Toxic Charity is a great book if you help people.
Winter requires trips to the library. Once this year, there was a book that caught my eye. It talked about why boys aren't doing as well as girls in school. With few exceptions, I call home concerning more boys’ behavior than girls, so instantly I am intrigued. One reason was toxins in the environment. It was a fascinating read by a male author, but this is not what I going to zoom in on.
Recently, I met friends for coffee and one of them made a statement, then asked if I would speak on toxic relationships. Ummm! Not in front of the people who I figured she was talking about. They intimidate me, and I barely know them. You notice anything toxic entering here?!? Well, since I prefer writing to speaking, I will take her challenge here.
She had been reflecting on a statement made by a friend that went like this: (said by a man to friend's friend so I will try to get the main idea down here) Women being quiet in church has given us ladies a chance and the license to be lukewarm and leave spiritual growth to the men. As she was thinking through this scenario, she wondered if this is how women become toxic. I think she is on to something. I think women should be pushing themselves towards growth but stay in their place. Is that how all toxins enter however? No, I don’t think so.
Unfulfilled expectations is another place that toxic stuff can enter in. You mess with my dreams, my hopes, and my wishes and suddenly you see a side of me that neither of us knew before, unless God enters in the picture. I think this is true for all of us.
Inner vows are another entry point. It may be a good sounding thing at first glance like “Our team will not have team conflict” or “Our church will not have a split.” Truth is wherever there are people, there will be conflict. If there isn’t, something is wrong. In the New Testament already, when the church was still young, you can read about conflict. If conflict is strangely missing, someone is either being a doormat or something and is agreeing externally. Healthy is a constant give and take.
Life has stresses and trauma it likes to throw at us. When these come along, we can soon tell who is coping and who isn’t. We can become toxic without realizing it in these moments.
A friend once said that behind every church split, is a controlling woman and possibly her cohorts. I would say strong women, even if they aren’t all exactly controlling. Women who don’t respect their husbands, and do things their husbands told them not to. This stuff is real, ladies and gentlemen.
How did they become so toxic? Adam was passive when Eve ate the poison. But she chose to believe lies. And history keeps repeating itself. Because I am a woman, I will address the ladies.
I was taking out the trash, and thinking about this blog, when I noticed once again that groundhogs are doing damage to the foundation of the garden shed in my backyard. I'm not sure which is more toxic: their damage or the fact that I yet need to call my dad or someone to catch them. When it comes to this kind of thing, I am all girl. But anyway, it illustrates exactly how when we notice foundational damages in our lives, we don't always immediately going running to our Heavenly Father. That's asking for more damage or more toxins to enter.
For the strong women: (the rest of you can skip this section)
Strong women need to control their toxicity more then others cause they have the propensity to do that much more damage. I don’t think every woman who is toxic is a strong woman, but since the strong normally bully the weak, I’ll address the Queens.
I am a strong woman whether I like it or not. Mostly not, but reality is, it’s what’s helping me survive the journey. Strong women wrestle with this whole deal of being quiet and submissive, while still using gifts of administration and let’s just be honest, leadership. Some good men actually stepped in and kept me from having to talk about leadership at a conference in India. I didn’t even know that I was asked, till after they stopped the plan. I was grateful to not do it, because I have had my share of questions and have come out ok with the way God set things up. I think where we come out at on the struggle, and how we handle our gifting makes all the difference in whether we become toxic or not.
A few concepts that I learned through my wrestling...
Talk about it honestly with the guys. I still feel bad for the guy who got a full venting of my frustration as I told a leader debriefing our whole group together, that I struggle with men who won’t lead, even when they have the free privileges to it, when some of us women have to sit on ourselves to stay in our place. Today, that isn’t nearly the struggle it was then, mostly because I talked about it that night, was heard, and could move on. This is why I stress honest but kind communication. I acknowledge that you will not always be heard, but that is the reality of vulnerability.
Leadership includes being visionary among other things. I connect more with being a dreamer then any other aspect. That might not be you. Sorry if it doesn't help.
Experiences teach you the hard sides of leadership and give you appreciation for those who step up and do it all the time. I was an internship leader, and the decision making ultimately fell to me, even though the other girl gave her opinion. Not an easy thing to figure things out cross culturally and make sure you offended no one. Another time, a man told a whole group that I was in charge of an event, and they were going to have to do whatever I said! Ok... I took it then, but I kinda doubt that I would now. I have some more then capable men to work under, so I gladly let them lead. (And get a little ticked if someone insults their ability cause you know you can say what you want to a strong woman, but you better not knock her family or friends)
On the other side of the struggle, being a strong woman can truly be a blessing. Learning how to steer this strength is the challenge, and then it can be powerful as you remain calm in difficult situations while continuing to offer your gifts with a new humble, surrendered and joyful spirit.
It's a worthwhile learning curve.
Back to toxin control:
-Gossip has got to go. Find a mentor and talk with them about issues, not the whole community.
-If you are not in a healthy place yourself, avoid people who you know you struggle with. You can’t do it permanently, but give yourself a break and recoup before you put yourself in a potential war zone.
-Don’t give mouthy people permission to rule the day. You choose what your day feels like. Don’t let them steal your happiness or give you anxiety attacks.
-Your opinions also matter and may be just as right as theirs, even if they are not popular in a group you find yourself part of. You don’t have to shut down who you are. They should still respect you.
-Pray like crazy about your relationship with them. God works miracles.
-Allow close friends from outside the situation to know you are struggling and let them speak into it.
-Don’t let someone’s jealousy define you. Having someone else tell me that this is the other woman’s problem, not mine was one of the best things that helped me. But you may not hear that. Tell yourself that now. It can’t all be your fault, your issues, or your problems.
-Acknowledge you didn't get everything right either.
-Bless the other people involved.
-Don't get bitter, get better.
-In the end, it’s just plain messy, hard and ugly. Sometimes leaving is the only way to cope. You aren’t a quitter, or whatever you call yourself either just because you walked away.
-If they judge you wrong, or assume things, you are not obligated to explain anything. But you are just as worthy of being stuck up for as the next person, and don’t you forget it for a minute.
-Give yourself time to heal. Babylon didn’t fall in a day, and you aren’t going to find a new normal in a day.
-This is no exhaustive list, and reality is I need to hear this as much as you. This toxin stuff feels like shaking a few weak leaves at a perpetual tornado. Eventually it does get to you, and you find you aren’t as strong as you once thought you were.
Post toxic survivors who have processed and journeyed well are the kind of friends that we really want. They know what it feels like to be powerless and caught in hard and messy stuff beyond their comprehension. They have learned truths that forever change them and they can spot someone struggling pretty quickly. If you quietly ask them, they may just offer a bit of their wisdom gained.
What I can give you is hope. What people do for evil intentions, God will use for good. I can testify to that. Truth is we learn more through adversity than through pleasure. True story. It may not be a pleasant experience, and it may be the Noah’s flood of your life, but rainbows and new life come eventually. When you are shaken to the core, light and truth can better permeate through the cracks. Open up to the good things that filter in through the brokenness, and cling to them.
I tell certain ones of my beloved that there are 300 leaders who had two things in common: A bad childhood, (I’ll add bad experiences for some of you) and someone who believed in them. If you already have the first, I pray God sends you the 2nd, if He hasn’t already. Either way, become one of those who believes in somebody. It doesn’t take all the sun, moon, and stars to be an ordinary person who with the help of God can leave an extraordinary impact.
We may think that a perfect world is toxic free, but I think the best people are those who have learned to live with toxins and thrive in spite of the hard. They are truly the strong, as well as the ideal role model for all of us.
Toxic Charity is a great book if you help people.
Winter requires trips to the library. Once this year, there was a book that caught my eye. It talked about why boys aren't doing as well as girls in school. With few exceptions, I call home concerning more boys’ behavior than girls, so instantly I am intrigued. One reason was toxins in the environment. It was a fascinating read by a male author, but this is not what I going to zoom in on.
Recently, I met friends for coffee and one of them made a statement, then asked if I would speak on toxic relationships. Ummm! Not in front of the people who I figured she was talking about. They intimidate me, and I barely know them. You notice anything toxic entering here?!? Well, since I prefer writing to speaking, I will take her challenge here.
She had been reflecting on a statement made by a friend that went like this: (said by a man to friend's friend so I will try to get the main idea down here) Women being quiet in church has given us ladies a chance and the license to be lukewarm and leave spiritual growth to the men. As she was thinking through this scenario, she wondered if this is how women become toxic. I think she is on to something. I think women should be pushing themselves towards growth but stay in their place. Is that how all toxins enter however? No, I don’t think so.
Unfulfilled expectations is another place that toxic stuff can enter in. You mess with my dreams, my hopes, and my wishes and suddenly you see a side of me that neither of us knew before, unless God enters in the picture. I think this is true for all of us.
Inner vows are another entry point. It may be a good sounding thing at first glance like “Our team will not have team conflict” or “Our church will not have a split.” Truth is wherever there are people, there will be conflict. If there isn’t, something is wrong. In the New Testament already, when the church was still young, you can read about conflict. If conflict is strangely missing, someone is either being a doormat or something and is agreeing externally. Healthy is a constant give and take.
Life has stresses and trauma it likes to throw at us. When these come along, we can soon tell who is coping and who isn’t. We can become toxic without realizing it in these moments.
A friend once said that behind every church split, is a controlling woman and possibly her cohorts. I would say strong women, even if they aren’t all exactly controlling. Women who don’t respect their husbands, and do things their husbands told them not to. This stuff is real, ladies and gentlemen.
How did they become so toxic? Adam was passive when Eve ate the poison. But she chose to believe lies. And history keeps repeating itself. Because I am a woman, I will address the ladies.
I was taking out the trash, and thinking about this blog, when I noticed once again that groundhogs are doing damage to the foundation of the garden shed in my backyard. I'm not sure which is more toxic: their damage or the fact that I yet need to call my dad or someone to catch them. When it comes to this kind of thing, I am all girl. But anyway, it illustrates exactly how when we notice foundational damages in our lives, we don't always immediately going running to our Heavenly Father. That's asking for more damage or more toxins to enter.
For the strong women: (the rest of you can skip this section)
Strong women need to control their toxicity more then others cause they have the propensity to do that much more damage. I don’t think every woman who is toxic is a strong woman, but since the strong normally bully the weak, I’ll address the Queens.
I am a strong woman whether I like it or not. Mostly not, but reality is, it’s what’s helping me survive the journey. Strong women wrestle with this whole deal of being quiet and submissive, while still using gifts of administration and let’s just be honest, leadership. Some good men actually stepped in and kept me from having to talk about leadership at a conference in India. I didn’t even know that I was asked, till after they stopped the plan. I was grateful to not do it, because I have had my share of questions and have come out ok with the way God set things up. I think where we come out at on the struggle, and how we handle our gifting makes all the difference in whether we become toxic or not.
A few concepts that I learned through my wrestling...
Talk about it honestly with the guys. I still feel bad for the guy who got a full venting of my frustration as I told a leader debriefing our whole group together, that I struggle with men who won’t lead, even when they have the free privileges to it, when some of us women have to sit on ourselves to stay in our place. Today, that isn’t nearly the struggle it was then, mostly because I talked about it that night, was heard, and could move on. This is why I stress honest but kind communication. I acknowledge that you will not always be heard, but that is the reality of vulnerability.
Leadership includes being visionary among other things. I connect more with being a dreamer then any other aspect. That might not be you. Sorry if it doesn't help.
Experiences teach you the hard sides of leadership and give you appreciation for those who step up and do it all the time. I was an internship leader, and the decision making ultimately fell to me, even though the other girl gave her opinion. Not an easy thing to figure things out cross culturally and make sure you offended no one. Another time, a man told a whole group that I was in charge of an event, and they were going to have to do whatever I said! Ok... I took it then, but I kinda doubt that I would now. I have some more then capable men to work under, so I gladly let them lead. (And get a little ticked if someone insults their ability cause you know you can say what you want to a strong woman, but you better not knock her family or friends)
On the other side of the struggle, being a strong woman can truly be a blessing. Learning how to steer this strength is the challenge, and then it can be powerful as you remain calm in difficult situations while continuing to offer your gifts with a new humble, surrendered and joyful spirit.
It's a worthwhile learning curve.
Back to toxin control:
-Gossip has got to go. Find a mentor and talk with them about issues, not the whole community.
-If you are not in a healthy place yourself, avoid people who you know you struggle with. You can’t do it permanently, but give yourself a break and recoup before you put yourself in a potential war zone.
-Don’t give mouthy people permission to rule the day. You choose what your day feels like. Don’t let them steal your happiness or give you anxiety attacks.
-Your opinions also matter and may be just as right as theirs, even if they are not popular in a group you find yourself part of. You don’t have to shut down who you are. They should still respect you.
-Pray like crazy about your relationship with them. God works miracles.
-Allow close friends from outside the situation to know you are struggling and let them speak into it.
-Don’t let someone’s jealousy define you. Having someone else tell me that this is the other woman’s problem, not mine was one of the best things that helped me. But you may not hear that. Tell yourself that now. It can’t all be your fault, your issues, or your problems.
-Acknowledge you didn't get everything right either.
-Bless the other people involved.
-Don't get bitter, get better.
-In the end, it’s just plain messy, hard and ugly. Sometimes leaving is the only way to cope. You aren’t a quitter, or whatever you call yourself either just because you walked away.
-If they judge you wrong, or assume things, you are not obligated to explain anything. But you are just as worthy of being stuck up for as the next person, and don’t you forget it for a minute.
-Give yourself time to heal. Babylon didn’t fall in a day, and you aren’t going to find a new normal in a day.
-This is no exhaustive list, and reality is I need to hear this as much as you. This toxin stuff feels like shaking a few weak leaves at a perpetual tornado. Eventually it does get to you, and you find you aren’t as strong as you once thought you were.
Post toxic survivors who have processed and journeyed well are the kind of friends that we really want. They know what it feels like to be powerless and caught in hard and messy stuff beyond their comprehension. They have learned truths that forever change them and they can spot someone struggling pretty quickly. If you quietly ask them, they may just offer a bit of their wisdom gained.
What I can give you is hope. What people do for evil intentions, God will use for good. I can testify to that. Truth is we learn more through adversity than through pleasure. True story. It may not be a pleasant experience, and it may be the Noah’s flood of your life, but rainbows and new life come eventually. When you are shaken to the core, light and truth can better permeate through the cracks. Open up to the good things that filter in through the brokenness, and cling to them.
I tell certain ones of my beloved that there are 300 leaders who had two things in common: A bad childhood, (I’ll add bad experiences for some of you) and someone who believed in them. If you already have the first, I pray God sends you the 2nd, if He hasn’t already. Either way, become one of those who believes in somebody. It doesn’t take all the sun, moon, and stars to be an ordinary person who with the help of God can leave an extraordinary impact.
We may think that a perfect world is toxic free, but I think the best people are those who have learned to live with toxins and thrive in spite of the hard. They are truly the strong, as well as the ideal role model for all of us.
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Unbroken Circle
Ahhh. You can breathe. The circle is safe. Everyone sitting here is human, with their own version of the story full of joy, pain, and God. Emotions and spiritual journeying are full ranges of difficult to easy simultaneously for all of us. You are welcome into the deep. Pull up a chair and lean in as the coffee cools, and our hearts realize that the moment will be over before we want to go. You either have found these fleeting friendships and spaces, or you long for it.
I am intrigued with people, relationships, and emotions, plus a quick check on which blog posts get hits tells me you guys are, too. It freaks me out when I see something I as an ordinary fallible person wrote gets crazy many clicks till I remember we are all human, and we need reassurance that we are not alone in our brokenness. So for our greater good, and His glory, I will keep writing. Hang with me as I go the scenic route. You may not like how this starts, but as long as the end of the story is good, that's what matters, right?
You are too proud to seek help for yourself, but you're on an advocating bandwagon for people who desperately need help,(no, not yourself) or you just want to understand enough science to make life work for you. Deeper still, you sense something is off, and you just want to figure it out. You and I are both wishing I was using a different set of pronouns right now, cause neither of us wants to admit we are here, needy and broke like everyone else. It's hard to get our eyes off us and the crazy story we live.
In Corinthians, it talks about how we are changing from glory to glory. God doesn't want to have science and methodology in relationship with us. He wants to walk daily with us from one developing pane of gorgeous broken glass to another. We don't arrive at perfection till we get to Heaven. He is so creative that He doesn't want us to all have the same story formula. We are all different, and if we copied someone else, we'd be cheating and flunk the test.
So let's get back to the circle. It's essential that we keep it safe. The things we share aren't going to become gossip material. We see the tough times and damage that sinners have wreaked, but we walk in a bit deeper. We ask what was going on emotionally and spiritually while the story was happening. And we don't keep this in an online forum. We talk with real people about real problems, even if we get anxious in the spilling. We learn a lot in the circle.
You... Yeah, you who can't talk about your own stuff, but you are neck deep in your neighborhood full of problems. Eventually, this hood is going to push you over the edge, and you will get a chokehold on yourself. And you'll find out it's ok. You don't have to go cross cultural to experience it, but it's one of the richest ways to learn and change yourself. I know, because I have walked your path.
You... Yeah, you who just want to make life work, and function. You know more about survive then thrive. You just want to know the right behavior and actions to get you where you want to go. Ahh... I know you, too, for I have been there, done that. It breaks down at some point, that crazy formula just like Burmese grammar. It's freeing to not live by laws and formulas. You'll find that out once you reach the dead end of this road.
The stories, the patterns, and the hard pieces could be a dialogue for hours. But venting isn't our goal.
Our goals should include the following: Changing from Glory to Glory. More Jesus in me. More amazing redemption. More life then death. More light then darkness. Replacing lies with truth. Diamond polishing and sparkling. Joy in the midst of pain. Deep peace that what we know and experience now isn't the final verdict. Jesus won the battle already, and we're claiming it.
So practically speaking, how are you going to create a safe space to make these goals happen with your people?
You're wondering if I'm going to tell you to go to counseling. No, you don't need to. The church, or small groups of people doing life together can get you where you need to go. There's absolutely nothing wrong with going to counseling, but if the church did their job, there would be no need for an office with a long schedule. Read Larry Crabb books and you'll see where I'm coming from. What you need is a place to stop striving, and start breathing.
Form your circle(s). Some of these naturally flow together through family or community. Others happen as you live elsewhere for a while. Still others have to be intentionally planned and worked on.
Have a mentor. Figure out what you want to grow in this year, and find a role model for the year. Or maybe you need advice, find a wise older person who will meet you regularly. If you put a time frame on it, you can discuss your relationship openly in a year. If you are not going to where you want, or the other person wants to quit for any reason, you don't need to drag on and on, but can tactfully bring it to the table.
Pour out to others. Maybe that is younger people in your church. Maybe you help with a kids club. Or maybe like me, you beat yourself up a while before you realize you pour into 10-12 kids at school, and you help several families every week. Because they don't look like the mentee's that the women at church have, and the scenario is a bit different, it doesn't feel like I'm the looked up to mentor. Stop beating yourself up for doing something outside the box. Make a difference for the one you can impact, and be ok with that. I have met more than my quota of people, and there is only one minor situation I kinda regret investing in.
Your people will probably look more like Jesus’ disciples. A bunch of messy teenage fishers. If they don’t fit the nice clean illustrations of a mentoring book, don’t worry about it. Also, numbers aren't what matters. Jesus invested in 12, not a whole multitude.
You don’t have to know all the answers, or have life figured out to start helping others. Walk with God, pray a lot, and just be a friendly listener. Most people can solve most of their own problems if they think and talk about it long enough. Focus more on developing comfortableness in your relationship with God, the confidence in your own abilities. God uses broken crayons all the time, and they still color just the same.
Have a wide range of friends. You can learn something from everyone. City friends have checked up on my house when I'm gone, told me about this cool place or that one, patiently helped me understand cultures different than my own and more. Country friends have peaceful lives where they run if they hear any siren, while us city folks roll over and keep sleeping at this routine noise. 1:30 am gun shots not followed by sirens are a bit more disconcerting, but soon we fall asleep again. I have friends from at least 5 different religious backgrounds. I have liberal and conservative friends within the global church community. I have a dear friend over 80, and the youngest one is 2.5 years old. On both sides of my extended family, there are cross-cultural marriages that add a different dimension to the family tree, and I am extremely grateful for the heritage of acceptance that has brought me. If all my friends and family were all in the same community and all the same color, my worldview would be much different. Sometimes we learn the most from people we never planned to meet, much less learn from. Hold each of these relationships as a valuable asset, and you will be amazed at what they can offer. I have been richly impacted by so many people. If it weren't for all of them, I wouldn't be as far in my journey.
If you aren't sure how to strike up a conversation, just notice little details, ask questions, and ad lib from there. I know one significant friendship started from "Are you tired?"
At funerals, we sing the song “Will the circle be unbroken?” It puts this whole relationship thing in perspective. Circles are accountability so none gets lost on the way, and why we need the circles in the first place.
I am penciling in ideas like diving into some colorful topics ranging from toxic relationships to trauma and more glorious things beyond that. I didn't want to start without setting the table for our circle discussion.
Keep it safe.
Keep it real.
I am intrigued with people, relationships, and emotions, plus a quick check on which blog posts get hits tells me you guys are, too. It freaks me out when I see something I as an ordinary fallible person wrote gets crazy many clicks till I remember we are all human, and we need reassurance that we are not alone in our brokenness. So for our greater good, and His glory, I will keep writing. Hang with me as I go the scenic route. You may not like how this starts, but as long as the end of the story is good, that's what matters, right?
You are too proud to seek help for yourself, but you're on an advocating bandwagon for people who desperately need help,(no, not yourself) or you just want to understand enough science to make life work for you. Deeper still, you sense something is off, and you just want to figure it out. You and I are both wishing I was using a different set of pronouns right now, cause neither of us wants to admit we are here, needy and broke like everyone else. It's hard to get our eyes off us and the crazy story we live.
In Corinthians, it talks about how we are changing from glory to glory. God doesn't want to have science and methodology in relationship with us. He wants to walk daily with us from one developing pane of gorgeous broken glass to another. We don't arrive at perfection till we get to Heaven. He is so creative that He doesn't want us to all have the same story formula. We are all different, and if we copied someone else, we'd be cheating and flunk the test.
So let's get back to the circle. It's essential that we keep it safe. The things we share aren't going to become gossip material. We see the tough times and damage that sinners have wreaked, but we walk in a bit deeper. We ask what was going on emotionally and spiritually while the story was happening. And we don't keep this in an online forum. We talk with real people about real problems, even if we get anxious in the spilling. We learn a lot in the circle.
You... Yeah, you who can't talk about your own stuff, but you are neck deep in your neighborhood full of problems. Eventually, this hood is going to push you over the edge, and you will get a chokehold on yourself. And you'll find out it's ok. You don't have to go cross cultural to experience it, but it's one of the richest ways to learn and change yourself. I know, because I have walked your path.
You... Yeah, you who just want to make life work, and function. You know more about survive then thrive. You just want to know the right behavior and actions to get you where you want to go. Ahh... I know you, too, for I have been there, done that. It breaks down at some point, that crazy formula just like Burmese grammar. It's freeing to not live by laws and formulas. You'll find that out once you reach the dead end of this road.
The stories, the patterns, and the hard pieces could be a dialogue for hours. But venting isn't our goal.
Our goals should include the following: Changing from Glory to Glory. More Jesus in me. More amazing redemption. More life then death. More light then darkness. Replacing lies with truth. Diamond polishing and sparkling. Joy in the midst of pain. Deep peace that what we know and experience now isn't the final verdict. Jesus won the battle already, and we're claiming it.
So practically speaking, how are you going to create a safe space to make these goals happen with your people?
You're wondering if I'm going to tell you to go to counseling. No, you don't need to. The church, or small groups of people doing life together can get you where you need to go. There's absolutely nothing wrong with going to counseling, but if the church did their job, there would be no need for an office with a long schedule. Read Larry Crabb books and you'll see where I'm coming from. What you need is a place to stop striving, and start breathing.
Form your circle(s). Some of these naturally flow together through family or community. Others happen as you live elsewhere for a while. Still others have to be intentionally planned and worked on.
Have a mentor. Figure out what you want to grow in this year, and find a role model for the year. Or maybe you need advice, find a wise older person who will meet you regularly. If you put a time frame on it, you can discuss your relationship openly in a year. If you are not going to where you want, or the other person wants to quit for any reason, you don't need to drag on and on, but can tactfully bring it to the table.
Pour out to others. Maybe that is younger people in your church. Maybe you help with a kids club. Or maybe like me, you beat yourself up a while before you realize you pour into 10-12 kids at school, and you help several families every week. Because they don't look like the mentee's that the women at church have, and the scenario is a bit different, it doesn't feel like I'm the looked up to mentor. Stop beating yourself up for doing something outside the box. Make a difference for the one you can impact, and be ok with that. I have met more than my quota of people, and there is only one minor situation I kinda regret investing in.
Your people will probably look more like Jesus’ disciples. A bunch of messy teenage fishers. If they don’t fit the nice clean illustrations of a mentoring book, don’t worry about it. Also, numbers aren't what matters. Jesus invested in 12, not a whole multitude.
You don’t have to know all the answers, or have life figured out to start helping others. Walk with God, pray a lot, and just be a friendly listener. Most people can solve most of their own problems if they think and talk about it long enough. Focus more on developing comfortableness in your relationship with God, the confidence in your own abilities. God uses broken crayons all the time, and they still color just the same.
Have a wide range of friends. You can learn something from everyone. City friends have checked up on my house when I'm gone, told me about this cool place or that one, patiently helped me understand cultures different than my own and more. Country friends have peaceful lives where they run if they hear any siren, while us city folks roll over and keep sleeping at this routine noise. 1:30 am gun shots not followed by sirens are a bit more disconcerting, but soon we fall asleep again. I have friends from at least 5 different religious backgrounds. I have liberal and conservative friends within the global church community. I have a dear friend over 80, and the youngest one is 2.5 years old. On both sides of my extended family, there are cross-cultural marriages that add a different dimension to the family tree, and I am extremely grateful for the heritage of acceptance that has brought me. If all my friends and family were all in the same community and all the same color, my worldview would be much different. Sometimes we learn the most from people we never planned to meet, much less learn from. Hold each of these relationships as a valuable asset, and you will be amazed at what they can offer. I have been richly impacted by so many people. If it weren't for all of them, I wouldn't be as far in my journey.
If you aren't sure how to strike up a conversation, just notice little details, ask questions, and ad lib from there. I know one significant friendship started from "Are you tired?"
At funerals, we sing the song “Will the circle be unbroken?” It puts this whole relationship thing in perspective. Circles are accountability so none gets lost on the way, and why we need the circles in the first place.
I am penciling in ideas like diving into some colorful topics ranging from toxic relationships to trauma and more glorious things beyond that. I didn't want to start without setting the table for our circle discussion.
Keep it safe.
Keep it real.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)