Hope: {from the floor}

 Are they trafficking the kids? I don't know, but why don't we consult the missing children network?

Why did he leave the family, and move in with the murdered man's wife of all people?

Is the rumor true that his dad is a drug dealer? Maybe there's a reason he is a known bully? What if he had a "good" daddy instead and he was given a different example to follow? What if his little sister didn't have to go home every night to an empty house for a few hours before any adults got home?

Why is that car shot full of bullet holes?

Her kids were taken supposedly cause of an ipad sold for drugs and it ended up still being found in a safe place. So why were they taken?

Her daughter was hit by a car, and recovered. So why does mom have memory problems that are typical of trauma victms?

Why does a little girl need to die after her dad runs a stop sign right after an argument with mom? 

What's behind the anger problem of 2 nd grader "Soe"?

Why is "Aung" or "Su" not in school again for the upteenth day?

Why should a girl miss school cause dad is in jail for a few weeks?

Why does a mom of a baby need to walk her older kids to school every day in the winter? 

What if an adult hadn't found the knives?

Ever been witness to foster kids acting out the traumas they have lived through? It messes with you like almost nothing can...

Why is the floor wet all the time in their apartment? Several injuries later, I think it's fixed, but who will take care of dialysis trips and other ongoing things?

Where is the church? Why does it feel like I live in a 3rd world country most of the week, and then make a trip to the 1st world on Wednesday night and Sunday morning?

There's a lot more stories. 

Questions. Real life situations. 

How do you stay engaged, and not burn out? There's a lot of trauma and damage that is a normal part of refugee life.  Married people chasing each other with knives. Yes, they don't know a different kind of normal. So how do you process the drama, and not get messed up?

Burn out is real. Answers don't come easily. I've made mistakes in how I handle and cope. But there's got to be a way to do life without making radical moves to Florida to regroup.

Diane Langberg said in Suffering and the Heart of God that first all of life is allowed for one purpose: glorifying God. And she gives us 3 steps for how to approach all of this chaos. First, with Him. Next, for Him. And finally, by Him. He helps us do impossible. A lot of us need to be begging Him to change us first so we can be like Him. At least I have to. 

So what are the secret weapons for dealing with desperate scenarios?

God, God, and God. Maybe there's a reason for the trinity beyond some theological explanation?:)

Letting God fix my heart first. Unhealthy stuff and wounds of the past are terrible motivation for helping someone else, unless they are healed. Huge.

Companionship. People who enter the trench. Rare gems, but worth praying for and cultivating relationship with if you have them. The people who are involved at this level don't look or act much like me, but I get hope and encouragement from seeing and knowing that they are out there. Anyone interested in helping is actually encouraging. I'm hoping for some to partner with more in the future.

Social life. Some recharge for the batteries helps.

Setting expectations realistically is a game changer. Change doesn't happen overnight for most people. It doesn't for the stubborn ones like me, at least. What if success is simply being there for people as a witness? What if their lives never change, and all I am actually supposed to do is offer an ounce of love when their need is for a fire tank engine full of love to combat the trauma? What if my prayers are not answered, and their lives get worse instead of better? What if God never called me to fix everything?

I know. I ask too many questions. Ever since I was a small child, I have asked enough questions to earn the name, "Question Box." A few family jokes center around odd answers to my questions. But I still think questions are worth asking.

I don't have it figured out, but I think Langberg in her book brings out a truth. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and enter into messy situations. We are also called to enter in, but not necessarily to bring success and transformation. PTL! If that happens. But we are only asked to sit in and show a different kind of normal. We don't have to be the Saviour, the mechanic, or the Doctor. We just are who we are because of what Jesus did in our lives, and that is enough.

We don't have to write long reports, make up crazy goals, and measure success by human expectations. We need to focus on Jesus, be as healthy as possible emotionally and spiritually, and show up to love those around us. 

We don't need more unrealistic expectations for performance thrown at us by the powers that be. No crazy challenge to do another project when we are already tired. No judgement when we can't keep up anymore. No self righteous airs need to be mentioned. At some point, we just have to stop people pleasing and make peace with reality that their expectations and my ability doesn't match. 

 We just need more people who are willing to say that they laid on their kitchen floor and cried and needed counseling several times during their career. People who offer grace. Thank God some of these brave women showed up for me! We need people who admit that they need transformation as much as the broken situations I mentioned earlier. That's when burnout stops for a second. And hope begins. 

Beautiful hope.

When you are at the bottom, and you find God can still reach beneath your floor, there's new hope. I've laid there myself and played Laura Story's 'You Cannot be Stopped', on repeat. I've found hope in knowing He is not challenged by any circumstances.

Be real. Offer hope through the mutual mess, instead of sounding like you got it together. Let the scenarios remind us of how much we need God ourselves. Offer the hope that is only found on kitchen floors. 

I'm still in recovery. Maybe still in heart surgery. Keep praying for the journey.

Divine Providence

 I wasn't offered a job I was pretty confident that I could do back in 2018. So I was jobless for a week longer than I hoped. 

A lot can happen in a week. I was invited to a meeting that was far more important then I knew until I arrived. I looked around at the dignitaries who sat around the table. State Representatives, Police officer, non-profit directors, and the girl who had recently returned from Asia. The only thing I felt I had in common was that I observed around half were left handed like me. Not much to have in common, but it was something. The topic was refugees so we quickly forgot our differences, and dug in.

Sitting across from me was the woman who eventually would be my boss at district level. She is one who believes in people, and gives them a chance. So for the past 2.5 school years, I have had this position because way back when I was rejected from another opportunity, I had the time to go to a meeting with the big people. A meeting that would shape a bit of my life.  I didn't start working for her immediately, and for the summer, I had another job that would accommodate my emotional rollercoaster of re-entry. As soon as I was hired at EACS, I realized it was a Providential Hand that gave me a week of free time in the spring.

Sometimes, it's clear. God has us hemmed in behind and before. Sometimes we can hear Him say, "This is the way, walk in it." 

Sometimes, it's not as clear, and we have to remember the ways He led us in the past. Once, we drove to the Thai/Burma border looking for possibilities, and hit the jackpot of Opportunities. It was one step that led to another. Another time, God promised me 3 times that the door would be open. Only later did I find out that the agent working on our visas had to apply the 3rd time before she was successful, and then we were in the last group to get visas. I could tell a lot of stories, and you probably have bunch of your own. Remember those stories.

Other times, confirmation comes alongside us, one moment at a time. I handed in my resignation at work, and the next day I overheard a conversation that said they had a replacement. I had been praying that they would find someone before I left, so it was an answer to prayer.

Rick always told us to follow the peace of God. There's a lot of reassuring that comes with it. We might not know what is coming next, but we don't have to worry. 

We are commanded to be anxious about nothing, but pray about everything. In waiting, it's not easy. But if you go around the mulberry bush of change often enough, it does get easier.

So in the space of waiting to see what 2021 will hold, I reflect on God's goodness, and thank Him for the stories of the past. Stories that clearly dictate that no matter how much I try or do, ultimately there is a Divine Providential Hand on all of the details in life.

Instead of waiting until we can see it clearly, let's start praising and thanking God for what He has done, and what He will do in the future before we know what it is.

If He gives us a idea of what might be coming, but it feels impossible, then let's reflect on Who He is, and His capability, not the circumstances. Cause in the end, it's what His Providential Hand does, instead of what we do.

He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we can imagine!

What Color is Your Jesus?

 Some of you think I am going to travel some racial path right now, and you are checking to see if I'm on the "right track" or not. Then depending on what I say, you're going to forever value or discount everything else I say. Well, relax. I'm not going down that track.

I have experienced Jesus in tangible ways around the hood that would make the best Pharisees cast me out of their synagogue for what I have concluded. Jesus restores and indwells bodies with tattoos, male hair buns, and more that totally breaks the church rule of normal. And He restores my soul through them. Get that. He restores my soul through them. 

God is even answering my prayers through THEM. They are showing up to work in the hard places. They were not what I was picturing when I was hoping more loving people would show up in this hood. But it blesses me to see SOMEONE is stepping up. They work here. They live here. They are for these people. 

Which brings me to this... Jesus came for Publicans and Sinners. He wasn't focused on reaching the Pharisees, or the people who have it 'all together.' 

In James it says, "Pure religion and undefiled before God is this: to love the widow and fatherless and keep yourself unspotted from the world." See when you get involved, it gets messy. God knew that. So He told us to get in there and love. And keep ourselves clean. The latter takes on meaning when you enter into the mess, and start to realize how easily lies can enter in if you are busy doing good things, and not watching your thoughts closely.

The reality is though that if I am seeing right in the hood (s) I have been in, that God uses messy, broken people to get the job done. Pharisees have never done anything besides add drama to life. Drama like trying to keep up with the Jones family. And the Pharisees miss out on some of the best things in life cause they get stuck on stuff. They never understood the 7:47 principle which means that "he who has been forgiven little, loves little. He who has been forgiven much, loves much." I pray we all realize that we are desperately lost Sinners in need of a Saviour.

So what does your Jesus "with skin on" look like? Maybe He's all clean, shiny and perfect as a peach. 

I'll take the variety that I have come across any time. These get into the lives of the fatherless. They are overwhelmed by the messy, but they are not scared of it because they know Jesus.

And knowing Him is really what life is all about.

Abiders

There's a whole new level beyond being a follower! It's the Abider level. 

God has been using Ann VosKamp's devotional email and the local sacred community group to show how exhilarating a plan He has. He has been using all of life to push me towards the only thing He knows will sustain and carry me through. Himself.

God has really been talking through the ages through His Word in John 15 about abiding. But here's the exciting part: He told us the secret for our joy. And not just for a little thrill, but a beyond the moon, cloud nine, whipped cream kind of happiness that actually lasts a lot longer than the cherry on top! He cares about our joy! He doesn't hide the secret to happiness, but spells it out for us.

Abiding can seem like a hard command. Like what is this anyway? Ann did a great job on exploring the topic, so I will gladly forward the email, if you want to read her words on Abiding.

In sacred community, we read John 15 and it came alive to me. Jesus wasn't pushing us towards abiding or pruning for His sake, but ours. Our joy matters to Him!

When this world offers nothing more than mere survival, desperately needy drama, and abyss of trouble, remember that God wants to give you something different. Something that will bring you pure joy, found by abiding.

Abiding requires trust. You are not going to sit with Someone who you don't believe completely. 

Abiding means I don't do it on my strength anymore, but His. It's an acknowledgement that I don't depend on myself anymore.

Abiding is transformation waiting to happen. 

So if you read my last blog post aka rant, then know that I also need a lot of growth. There's a call to higher ground then I have reached. Abiding and going on HIS strength, not my own, will be the way forward.

Fan or Follower

I'm going to borrow the title of a recent sermon for a rampage of thoughts barging their way through my mind, and even disrupting my sleep.

Family is Uber important in the Menno world (and it is important) but should it be more important than God? Jesus said unless we forsake father and mother, we can't be a Disciple... Not sure what weight our excuses hold against Jesus' words.

 How can a church full of people sit brooding over hurt feelings and contemplating a split when not so far away is a woman who needs to go to dialysis 3 days a week with no one to support her? I understand hurt feelings. I've been there. But let's not get hung up there. There's lessons to be learned, and then we need to offer hope from our own broken pieces to those who know messy better then we can imagine it.

I have begged for social worker support for more than a month, and gone on all kinds of emotional rollercoaster rides for refugee friends over a much longer period of time, but beyond the social worker community, I don't get any better response from the Christian ppl around.

I don't tell stories for entertainment or any sensations. In fact, I hate just being entertainment. But when people have called me for help for the upteenth time for a lost child or to run them to the ER... What am I to say or do when I am personally running low on all my resources, and there's no one else to call?

You don't speak the right language, you say. Love trumps every language. 

There's needs in the church, but a lot of them would resolve themselves if we stopped the platitudes in Sunday School and dived into real world problems to get our eyes off ourselves. 

I like coffee too, but sometimes it feels pretty shallow people on Instagram or Facebook, if you know what I mean. First world problems.

Why does it seem like ppl like to hear that someone is doing something as long as it doesn't require them to do anything? Or maybe they can give to a cause, but they don't want to get messy themselves? How is that ok?

There's just a lot wrong with this world and I don't understand. Maybe you can help me, but don't start on the platitudes. It's simply too much.

Lately, there's been a lot of hard stuff that isn't easy, and I don't have answers. It would be easier to live on the other side of the world and not regularly crash between 2 different worlds called the city and church.

But I think that sermon on Sunday set something straight in my mind. There's a lot more fans than followers in God's House these days. 

Followers pray and listen. They take orders. They live from the overflow of a relationship, but that's a whole other blog post. Followers don't just know facts. Followers are in a relationship with the God they love. And there's where I see how much I still need to grow as a faithful follower. You can choose to be a fan, but I would take all the aspects of being a follower. Sometimes, coffee comes with it!;)

The Plagues

It's all about what you call something. If you look at the children of Israel in Egypt, you could talk about the plagues and how terrible they were, or you could focus on God as He worked the miracles.

The story of 2020 seems to read about the same. We might be on about plague number three or four or five. Still have who knows how many plagues to go. But remember their story didn't stop in the middle, and ours won't either.

We might walk away only to find ourselves facing a 'Red Sea' type of impossible. But it didn't stop there either. They walked through on dry ground, between walls of water. God can still do miracles today just like He did then.

The challenge for us is this: Are we going to look at the plagues and hard circumstances around us, or look at God who hasn't changed? The God who is still a Miracle Worker?

Let's keep history alive like God commanded the Israelites. They did it by building a pile of stones as a memorial. We could do it by journals, mementos, books, photos, art or whatever suits your fancy. We're going to need those reminders for the rest of the plagues, the tribulations of the end times, and just life in general.

God deserves our attention more than all the plagues from then or now. If you pile all the terrible plagues and what not on one side, and place God on the other, He will always be bigger than the bad side. Keep your eyes on Him.

Conflict

Sooner or later, it comes. Sometimes, unexpectedly, but it always comes. The dreaded tension. All the emotional upheavals. In the worst cases, you could say that the world turned upside down.

I've been through enough in my life to have spent a significant amount of time thinking about team conflict. How to avoid it. How to divert it. How to deal with the aftermath. I'm not ready for more necessarily, but I have also lost some fear of it.

It's not all bad. Paul and Barnabas split ways for a while. They reached more places separated then they did together.

Reality is, wherever there are people, there will be problems. No matter where you go, it happens at some degree at some level. Doesn't always get severe enough to separate, but the tensions can still make a few ripples anywhere.

Sometimes, you are the offended, and sometimes, you are the offender. Either way, deal with your heart.

In the light of this topic, I have read Tim Clinton's book on Attachments, and Healthy Me, Healthy Us by Les and Leslie Parrott. The strength of the conflict in a lot of ways matches the emotional wholeness and wounds of those at it's epicenter. If we have healthier attachment styles, and we are striving for wholeness emotionally, we will have less drama within the tensions.

The point boils down to one thing. We need to take care of our own wounds, and issues that flow out of them. God may have allowed this conflict for your healing and greater good!

Stop the finger pointing for the next month, and look deep inside. Is it all one person's fault? No, everyone has some flaws that enter the fray.

If the quarantine showed us anything, I hope we saw the extent of the stuff we just carry with us, and never take time to process because we're "too busy." Moving forward, how are you and I going to realistically deal with life as it happens. Especially if it's crazy dramatic like a lot of my weeks are normally???

Maybe it's a sacred community of friends speaking into our lives. Maybe it's more solitude. Maybe it's more praying. Or more intentional weekends/week nights. Whatever you need to do, do it because stuff can get deep fast. Change {me} before them.

Your relationship attachment style is merely a signal of where you are on the wholeness map. You choose as a kid whether you will avoid it, leech off everyone, or be healthy. If you want to change your life and attachment style, change your beliefs so your thoughts and actions can be transformed. Stop worrying about the other people and just ask God what He wants to accomplish in your own heart with it?

Determine to become better and not bitter.

Pray more than you push agendas. The chances are, God's really after a completely different purpose then anyone realizes. Seek His Face. He shows up as we surrender.

Let me say once more, determine to become better and not bitter if you don't know what to do. It pays! Let this conflict be the one that sparks an internal change.

Sacred Community

Sacred Community...A place for a group of people who inspire, encourage and urge each other on in their individual journeys with God.

Something that is so needed, and yet so few relationships are safe enough, or deep enough to be what develops spiritual growth.

It's not counseling. It's not advise. It's hearing from God together. It's praying for the others in the group. It's not fixing, but it's joining God in creating the beauty and redemption He wants.

It happens among people who have built relationships where pretentiousness and social protocol don't have any say. It happens in places where gossiping is shunned and excommunicated. It happens among people who are broken and ok with the mending journey being messy. It happens among the people who can share unedited stories without any judgement.

This is what we all long for, and yet too many prefer that life stay so neat and predictable that you can't keep it real.

Ask hard questions.
Am I in relationships that encourage growth?
Am I changing the things I can first of all in me?
Am I courageous in speaking life and hope to others?
What cost am I willing to pay for meaningful relationship?
Am I really known or do I hide behind busyness or anything else?
Where have I come from?
Where am I going?
Who is going with me?

See we are not meant to go the journey alone. We need people to walk with and speak into our lives. We are also called to reach out to others and bless them. Find a group you can allow into the sacred space of your life and walk with them.

Urgency of the Hour

I was sitting on my couch at 7:58pm on a Sunday night recently when I heard semi-auto shots in rapid succession.

The next morning, my heart sank as I realized a human had seriously injured other people just around the corner. I'm not the type that could even kill an animal, and this was people we are talking about.

3 weeks before this, a random murder happened that took the daddy of one of my students. They had just gotten to the USA 4 months before this. This victim had sat in my office.

Over Christmas break, I fled south to be with family for Christmas. A friend messaged me to say that our mutual friend was moving out of state before I would be back. Again, my heart dropped. I have the Good News in her language, and I hadn't gotten around to having the perfect time to share it with her.

I got home, and luckily she'd stayed in town one more week. That last time I had with her, we went shopping like normal, to the laundromat and I made sure she had a functioning link to the Story. My last memory is of her watching the link as I left. Within a week, she is living hours away.

This week, I saw the Free Burma Rangers movie with war scenes from Burma and Iraq, followed by an Alice practice drill at school the next day. This is prepping for an intruder at school.

God is looking for people who are not afraid to step up and into hard situations because He wants others that He loves to know Him, too.

Most of the time, there are no bullet ridden cars around. It's called loving the person in front of me. It's defending a child. It's helping a family. It's being a friend. It's normal stuff that anyone could do. But it's being intentional with where I put myself.

Most of my world has little contact with Jesus followers because they are not going out intentionally even though this city is known for churches. Churches who have heard about volunteer opportunities and aren't willing to step up to the plate. I'm not talking about any certain denomination here. It's across the board...

For some reason, there is this big fat lie that floats around the pews that people who go out have to be special, called, holy people. It's like a friend said recently, the stories of missionary people sound super amazing in church, but get them in your home, and you hear it's not all glorious. Sometimes I am shocked that God would use even me with my issues. But I struggle to talk about my issues cause I am supposed to be a good person.

This lie has to be replaced with a bit of the truth. Everyone is called. From Genesis 12 on, the heart of the Father is clear. The blessings we have are given for one reason. To be a blessing to all ppl. It's not just the Great Commission. It's practically the concept of the whole Bible. If you believe the cross was necessary for your sins, what about everyone else's?

Do you have to travel across the world? No. Travel is one of the best experiences ever, but across the street is just as ripe an opportunity as I observed my neighbor going on a "witch Hunt" with a 2x4 after an argument at their house where a car took off.

Let the bullets remind you of the urgency. God doesn't give the spirit of fear, but power, love and a sound mind. 99% of the time, you likely won't be dealing with guns, but with people. Love them well.

Embracing the Color

Years ago, at the Bible School in Arkansas, we all had to introduce ourselves with our personality color. Mine is not the perfect Mennonite shade for females, to put it simply. And the journey of embracing my color (who God made me to be) began.

Over the years, God met me on this, and even sent the color of butterflies to me that He wanted for me, not what I wanted. But as I looked at them sitting literally on my bare toes in Thailand, I couldn't argue.

Culture dictates so much in our lives. That's a global problem. Are we going to rise above what they say, and do what God created us to?

For example, you should be married by 22 according to culture. Are you going to wait for marriage to start your life, or get on it now? I'm closer to 22x2 then the original digit, and still single. But I know that the opportunity to speak into the lives of the children and adults around me is exponentially greater than the amount of lives I would have touched if I had gotten married at 21.75 years. I chose to embrace the story God has, and make the best of it. It's been beyond anything my wild imagination could possibly come up with!

I'm not bashing marriage, and if that is the story God has for you, I am sure it will be just as good.

Whether you are 17.95 years old, or 22, 35 or 95, are you asking God what He had in mind for you, and working with Him to develop the giftings and character He has placed in you?

Do you know what your personality is on the Disc or Myers Briggs test? Are you self aware enough to know what your response is to different personalities?

Do you know what your spiritual gifts are? You can study Ephesians 4, Romans 12, or 1 Corinthians 12. There are also tests online.

Gary Thomas talks about the way we relate to God in Sacred Pathways. Not all of us hear from God the same way. Are you aware of how He speaks to you?

What are your interests and hobbies? Development of those can bring a lot of glory to God.

Think about your story until now. What are significant themes? Sometimes God uses our painful pieces to connect with others. Once I felt like God really wanted me to talk about the dark suicidal thoughts I struggled with a decade before this in a camp on the other side of the world. What I didn't know was that a girl had attempted suicide the year before that sat in my class. A few years later, I was visiting Asia again, but was hours away from this village when I ran into a man from there that told me she was now married and had a child. God might have redemption stories like this one for you.

My prayers for all of us is that we embrace the story God has for us. Accepting our personality, culture, giftings, hard pieces, and what ever our story hands us is one of the best ways we give God glory as we let Him use all of it.

You may not be the same color as I am, but are you accepting the color you are?

Hospitality: An Act of Love

Henri Nouwen, in his book, Reaching Out, refers to this space as hospitality. “Hospitality,” he says, “means primarily the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place…It is not a method of making our God and our way into the criteria of happiness, but the opening of an opportunity to others to find their God and their way.” ... quote from Velvet Ashes blog. https://velvetashes.com/hospitality-as-sacred-space-the-grove-sacred-spaces/?fbclid=IwAR2Z8oQXtsYroq_UuC0R0zCcGpBW5h7laUa-vrHUOpqQT9aqAk8BacJVcbA

For Christmas, a colleague gave me a small plaque that says, “Do all things with great love.” I’m sure it sprang from a rich conversation we had. But moving forward into a new year, I am challenged to be more intentional about loving people well.

Another quote that has inspired me over the years, and still grabs me is this: “The most artistic thing we can do is love others.”

As a single woman, actual hospitality is a unique experience. Hosting and entertaining as one instead of several can be complicated, but it can be done. And it comes with a blessing. I was richly awed by the way our conversation touched my own heart as we savored a moment around the table. We don't just dump into others, but they also usually give back to us. We don't do it for that reason, but blessing others does pay forward and may just come full circle.

The hospitality that Henri talked about isn't always just the typical invite someone over type. It's being a friend anywhere.

So what are some bottom line essential pieces of being hospitable?
-confidentiality
-refusal to gossip
-being comfortable with your own story
-walking with the Spirit
-don't judge

It helps to educate ourselves about hearts and emotions, but if we can process our own story well, we can offer understanding in a far better way than all the wisdom of the world could teach us.

Someone said that people don't care what you know till they know how much you care about them. The foundation has to be love. Sometimes it's mixing hard truth with love, but always love. Do everything with love.

By-products of love include redemption, and healing. Love heals trauma. Medicine can't touch a heart, but love can.

We can't love on our own. But if we build our lives on the greatest commandment of loving God first, and then our neighbors, we will have the strength to be what God wants us to be.