Faith of a Grinch

Faith isn't really faith till it's believing in the dark. When the fog closes in, and almost pushes the air out of your lungs, and you still believe like Job. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”

It's saying Hallelujah and Praise the Lord long before the answer comes. It's believing He is good, He is involved and He cares enough to even be working behind my back for something amazing yet to come.

It's celebrating Christmas when you feel like being a Grinch.

It's holding on to hope for a situation when you would rather let go and never become tethered to this whatever it is again.

It's saying Thank you for all the hard things because you believe that hardness can not last longer then Eternal joy and life. Thank you for the hard days as much as the good days.

I observed some illustrations from the candle holder nativity set I have. In front, I'd set a candle as a symbol of my own life and surrender to His story. It burned out long before any other candle. Just like that, the real Story of course Christmas has been around much longer than I have and will continue to draw people to God long after I am gone. My short lived life and all the hard things of it are but small moments in light of Eternity. Does any of the drama even matter in light of the eternal?The last of the 3 candles to burn out of the Nativity set was the central part of the story. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. It's hard to stay Grinchish when you realize that the Story this nativity set symbolizes happened in ordinary, unassuming ways, yet it was powerful enough to save the whole world when the time was right. All the ordinary things I might grumble about may just be the route that leads to something extraordinary. If this Central Story of the Bible is an example for the way God normally works, we are in good company.

So if life has handed you a set of circumstances that makes you feel like being a grumpy Grinch, choose faith anyway. Choose to praise anyway. Choose to cling to hope in spite of you name it. It seems God gets more glory from the bedraggled Grinch who chooses to believe then from the prosperous choir members who sing His praise regularly.

Go ahead... Believe Him anyway.

You see, the Story didn't end with Christmas. It continued to Easter, and still isn't finished. But let's take a look at that very bad day when Jesus died on the Cross. God called it Good Friday, but I doubt the people who were there would have thought anything was good about it. The light went out, and there was utter darkness that day. But it was Good, really Good. The story wasn't over. What happened in the dark, was what changed the world forever. If there never would have been a really dark day, there never would have been a transforming burst of Light. We would be stuck in perpetual hopelessness.

Back to Christmas. We celebrate it in the winter, the darkest and coldest time of the year. We turn on the lights to remember that in the darkest hour, after 400 years of darkness, the Light came. Jesus didn't come in a time that was merry and bright. He came when times were hard to illuminate the darkness.

So celebrate anyway. The way to Merry and Bright started in the dark.

Body Guards

When you need security agents in life, what do you run to? When you are weak and vulnerable and broken, how do you cope?

I’ve noticed there are some similarities between the honor/shame culture of other religious world views that have crept in and taken an unspoken presence among us in the pews. We believe we are totally changed when Jesus saves us at the beginning but somewhere we forget the sanctification process in our life formula. We are brow beat into looking right and acting above reproach on the outside cause we never fully wrestled with the whole “changing from glory to glory” process that continues till we die. We acknowledge we are human, yet we have no room for human error.

The masks, coping mechanisms and self protection stuff we turn to probably have as many variables as there are humans. Some cut others down while others play the really nice personality. 

Mine has been “busy doing good things” till I could vomit. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me I’ve done enough. I don’t need to do anything anymore to prove my worth. Truth is, I don’t. But in a world of masks where everyone is rushing around trying to prove something, lies run more rampant then truth does. Not that it changes the truth, but in a world where people believe more lies then truth, it’s infinitely harder to believe truth.

But the spaces to process and be real are so few for those of us who have done so much good that we are put on a pedestal and not allowed to admit our humanity. The people pleaser inside knows what others expect, and so I die inside trying to please them all, and keep the masks in place. The vibes I pick up tell me that I am not alone in this. My style of it might be very different then yours, but every single of our relationships is affected in some way by our “isms.”

Even if I included a lot of questions for discussion on this blog, and honestly do welcome insights and conversation, I am afraid that there will be an odd silence, cause this is one of the “Annah” or “GringI” things in our culture that they have a word for in Asia, but English somehow has no term for. The term contains a bit of fear, shame, people pleasing, won’t talk about it to your face, or let you see how upset it makes me type of situation. We have these kinds of circumstances, but we don’t have a term for it that I know of.

So while the problem happens in relationships and we learn how to deal with it by being in relationships, let’s just talk about this a little.

Did you notice our prayer meetings center around sick people and safe topics? How do you break the ice? I’m not suggesting we tell all to everyone, but let’s keep it real with a group. I read recently that you should have at least 5 friends who will be there no matter what.

Have you noticed that it seems just a bit easier to say things as they are if conversation contributors are all male? Men just say it how it is. And they tend to not have connection drama. I don’t know for sure why this is, but I am willing to speculate. Men gossip for free, women don’t. When I have worked in a mostly male environment, I tend to be more knowledgeable about the community then when I don’t. Maybe that’s just happenstance, but I reflect back over 3 entirely different work experiences where most co-workers were men, there was less drama and better relationships in general. (and free information) Why is this? I think this thing of women being quiet has turned us ladies into sneaking cats who hunt mice so we can tease other cats with our catch. If you know anything about cat and dog theology, you know anything feline isn’t a good thing. I got bit by gossip a long time ago, and ever since have avoided anyone who has a hint of the smell of gossip. I will be honest, I didn’t connect with a whole bunch of my regular contacts anymore because too many of my own relationships used to center around this. So is gossip the main reason I struggle to connect and be real with people? No, but I think something in whatever the motive(s) is that women do this “mice hunting” thing, there is a root for this thing of not being open, vulnerable and authentic. Gender differences aside in relationships, it’s an interesting thing to observe how we complement and antagonize each other as men and women. I think the real root is found in the first few chapters of Genesis. We aren't who we were created to be.

A teacher once said that we learn more through suffering than through happiness. I pushed back at that, but the longer time goes on, the more I have to agree. Take an honest look at your life. When did you grow the most, and what were the circumstances surrounding it?

So if we all exponentially grow more through pain, why don't we support each other better through it, and acknowledge that we all need to tried by fire and floods to become real saints?

So what would it look like to have a right perspective on continuing sanctification?
What if we took all our suffering and affliction as a light weight lifting exercise so we could become even more gloriously handsome?
What if we just embraced the process of our beautification?
What if we found a deep enough security in Christ that we weren’t flustered by the messiness of our own redemption in remodeling mode?
How we answer those questions will direct us in how real we are when we are burned out, struggling or in over our heads in a trial. I believe the God who loves us while we are still in our sins, loves us through the whole process. When I believe His love, the rest of my life falls into proper perspective.

Regardless of what all the potential causes are that keep us from connection and being soul authentic with each other, let's not forget that we are in a battle. Together we are stronger, and the enemy knows that. Don't let him use anything to destroy you.

We could continue this conversation and add all our fears and failures, but the moral of the story is to get offline, off whatever life stage you act on, and be real with your people around you. It's a messy but worthwhile learning curve to live without body guards.

My current reading list: 
Undefended by Daniel Bush
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
Some thoughts in this blog should be credited to these authors.
Other credit goes to the friends who are brave enough to discuss these topics.
The journey is not over...

God in Ordinary Places

I wondered if I was crazy for going to the local grocery store in the last hour before closing. After all, this is the place where I get bad vibes over and over in broad daylight. It's the one place where multiple stories could be told about, in the almost weekly trips there with my friend E and her son. The 3 of us are a motley Crew of a story all our own. We keep going cause she likes their kind of bottled water. Can you tell we have plenty of our own quirks?:) Anyway, skipping a lot of colorful stories about how the cashier or some other people from the hood have treated us, here I was, heading into the place where I am most aware of the spiritual battle going on at a later hour then normal, and I see a few shady characters lurking around in the parking lot. I grab a close spot, and make a beeline for the door, avoiding the crazy guy standing close to the front. I do my shopping and walk out, and do a double take when I see another woman praying for the crazy man. The street smart girl in me is reminded that it's better to be spirit smart. And my heart is warmed that good things do happen in this place that I personally would like to avoid. Except I have this friend that likes their bottled water, and occasionally they have a really, really good sale...

Sometimes He shows up by playing a song in a place that would strike a raw chord in itself, but on top of that, He arranges circumstances so the people and situations I am surrounded by in the moment also speak to me in a very deep way. I couldn't cry in the moment, but the tears of healing flowed later.

Another time, it was supposed to be just me doing this thing. But it ended up being an introduction to someone who would blow my mind with his connections to a government official in a country on the other side of the world. Pretty sure God smiled.

How have you seen God show up in your ordinary places? Tell me about it...

How do you remember the moments that make you feel secure cause you know He is in control? The last 2 examples I mentioned were so profound that I will not be able to forget. But what about the grocery store? I can create a memorial by writing about it, or drawing something.

Why have I been blessed with these amazing opportunities to see Him at work? Sometimes I want to think it's because of something I did, or the fact that I am part of a prayer class. But like a thought I recently read on a blog, (Velvet Ashes) it's not our prayers that make God move. God moves out of His own good will, in spite of my prayers. The audacity to think I can manipulate God is utterly absurd.

So why should we keep praying? I'm planning to stay in it for the relationship. I think that's why He sticks with us through our selfish requesting as well.

It's a continuous walk with Him. I deal with distraction and busyness. Throwing a blanket over my head helps me to stay focused in prayer. What do you do to stay on task?

For the busyness part, praying can happen anywhere. My Cleaning job, washing dishes, walking the halls at school from one class to another or to the office can all be turned into a moment of talking with God, even if I am not literally kneeling. I can also think of other aspects of my life where it would be impossible to pray at the same time. What works for you?

Whether God shows Himself in my life or not is His choice. But it is my choice whether I pursue His Face enough to know Him and His heart.

I've decided it's worthwhile to lean in. And I'm finding He is right there beside me, ready to talk at the drop of a hat.

Metanoia: Transformation

Bags you weren't even aware of have been weighing you down right along with the gaping tangled mess of a very heavy suitcase that you keep dragging for one reason...you don't have the stamina for processing it's content. The long black train describes your journey into nowhere, and you have lost your bearings to the point of having no idea who you are or what you are about.

You understand what the lady in the line for best ice cream in the world means when she talked about the way people spit at her dad when he came home from Vietnam. In a certain sense, the country that spends more on dog food for 1 dog than what the average refugees have in their food budget for a month, and on top of that, have such overwhelming variety in the cereal aisle that the chefs at General Mills, Kellogg's, and all the other fruit loops out there constantly need to continue creating new kinds simply to satisfy first world hunger problems. This country, basically doesn't care what you have seen elsewhere. This culture doesn’t care what you saw, or how it affected you. So sorting the bags can become something you don’t touch, cause you are simply surviving.

One of the rules in the first world is "You must be happy, and if you are not, please don't overwhelm us with it." That means anyone grieving anything has to be careful how they process. So whatever hard things life throws at you, you can apply metanoia. But go ahead and get deep into the pain of whatever it is, before I continue.

All that sad, hard, messy tangle can be turned in for the joy of the Lord. There's nothing He won't accept as a trade. He gives grace, peace, joy, and sets the vibes you give off back to loving ones.

It's the breakthroughs at the climax of the journey that keep us going. It’s sunrise after darkness. And it’s coming if it hasn’t already!  No matter the challenges you are facing or have faced, there is joy, hope and rest. But good chance is, it doesn’t come without a struggle.

It’s metanoia. That’s Greek for a journey that changes your heart, soul, mind or way of life. A spiritual conversion. If it weren’t for the bags, or the uprooting of moving overseas, or to a new community, would metanoia even happen? It takes dry, harsh, arid environments for some of us to find breakthroughs. While we may never call some events good in our lives, we can become grateful for the things we learned through it. Metanoia.

Crisis has a way of opening the door to transformation. We can't choose what happens, but we can choose our response. When I want to grow from it, instead of being bitter, redemption can come.

The Japanese repair broken porcelain with gold. They believe it just adds beauty and value to the piece. Look at this process of metanoia as adding beauty to your life. It's God redeeming your broken story with gold.

No matter if you want it or not, God isn't stopped by anything in His pursuit of us.
https://youtu.be/ygcyxpvo0zI

The only thing holding us back from metanoia is ourselves. Let down your guard with God. He's up to a lot of good!

Visioneering

Where there is no vision, the people perish. All of us at some point have something we dream about, and wonder.

How do you know you are on the right path?
-The age old "green light" procedure is do the Bible, your Spirit and your Authorities all give you a green light?
-Laying out a fleece, or praying for a confirmation.
-"Follow the peace of God."
I think we all have our things we turn to in the midst of contingency plans.

Believe the heart of the Father is good. This a great place to start for a foundation. His ways are higher than ours. He has plans to give us a hope and a future. He wants to do new things, and make a way in the desert.

Don't run ahead of Him. This is a tough one for some of us. No matter what though, He always reigns me in. I can't storm ahead, till the gate opens in His time.

I think that God enjoys this stage cause we are constantly running to Him in prayer. I have to remember to pray as much in the settled times as when life is up in the air, and could take 10 directions. I don’t think He wants us to stay here, but any relational being is going to love constant conversation.

Dream. Enjoy the brainstorming, researching and enjoy the ride. Sometimes we hem ourselves in, and need to become like little children again who haven't seen one broken wish. Imagine 6 impossible things before breakfast. God is the only limit, and He's basically limitless.

Waiting time. Great for development of all kinds of skills and character. If you are on board with God and connecting daily, this won't be wasted. ever.

Read and Research. The internet is out there, like you needed me to point that out. :)

Some books to read include:
Visioneering by Andy Stanley
Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby
The Calling Journey by Tony Stoltzfus

Network. Professionally, Socially, and bond with your church.
Personal Development: Life Ministries Core 1 and 2 (including all the reading) :)
Hone skills in your field of interest like microfinance, English teaching, wool roving, or psychology.

Find a mentor or two and talk through things. At least one other person should know what is rattling around in your mind. We can’t think of everything on our own, even though a dreamer tends to have thoughts on steroids when the brainstorming process is in session. Some of those aren’t good ideas, and we need people who will help sort it all out.

Get advice and consider it, but remember you have your own calling, your own thing God wants to accomplish. Some will try to derail you on other great projects. Don't do it, if it's not yours to do. Stop being a people pleaser.

The most encouraging thing though is to remember the breakthroughs of the past, and how faithful God is. Sometimes, we forget the blessings, the extraordinary doors that opened and the privileges of the past or even the present. We do well to build memorials so we remember. We also could keep a gratitude journal for these special moments.

Connect with people on a similar journey so you know that you aren't alone. If you know there is a human out there that understands, it's amazing what you are able to endure.

Keep praying confidently even in the midst of contingent plans.

Enjoy the journey.

Radical Questions

Are you willing to pray for whatever it takes to get you on fire for God?
Are you willing to create a desert or wilderness so you know God better?
Are you willing to see aloneness as a gift, instead of loneliness as a wound?
Are you going to ask for a deeper encounter with God that transforms everything?
Are you willing to go anywhere you might be asked to go?
Are you going to chose to be thankful for the hard pieces?
Whatever your questions are, are you willing to wrestle well with them?
Are you going to allow the soul searching, tectonic plate shifting that may cause earth shaking things to happen in your life?

There is a deep sigh, a breath of anxiety, that comes when we think about asking hard questions. But we are told over and over to not be afraid in Scripture. We are more than conquerors. Nothing can separate us from the love of God. When God takes something, or empties us, He always eventually replaces it with a far better gift. Don’t be afraid!

If we dare listen to God, there is often a fear we have to bridge. Or trusting Him might feel like completely setting up for failure, and it would be an impending reality if He didn’t show up. What would Elijah have done if God didn’t act when he was building altars and discussing truth with false prophets? What would Daniel and his friends have done if they would have burned in the fire? What would Noah have done if he died before a flood came? Think about almost any Biblical story, and they had faith required of them that was beyond what they seemed to have. It was beyond them, but they judged God to be faithful who had given them a promise. Perhaps the hardest question is asking if I am going to judge God as faithful?

It seems that if we want radical answers, we first must ask, seek and knock. We are called out onto precarious limbs, dangling in very uncomfortable spaces, and then when faith feels almost hopeless, the Divine answers.

Maybe we think we should have all the answers by now. We had more solutions back in our young and foolish days than we currently possess. But is it about having answers or knowing the One who has all the answers? Even as we ask the questions, we can rest in this. God has this. In Psalms 33, He says His plan is going to happen, and He will frustrate human plans.

3 Goals for the journey:
In our wrestling, striving for surrender.
Letting it rest in His hands.
Be committed to whatever the outcome.

Even when the waiting feels like forever, it's just a sign that something amazing is going to happen. God likes climaxing it as much as possible. I get weak knees at the adrenaline rush it requires to glorify Him, and yet my heart jumps up and down, begging Him to do it again.

If you end up in Africa, or Antarctica because that is His will, it's going to be an amazing adventure. God is the only limit, and those who have seen any part of Him, say that He is unlike anything seen before.

Wild rides aren't wasted on God's time. He teaches us more about Himself and our own hearts in the process of arriving at a destination than anywhere else.

In the quietness of waiting, signs are there that God is there. That Providence was working all along. A book confirms others have experiences just like yours. The lights are all green one morning to show God’s smile that someday, there will be no stopping. It may be a verse or a song that pops in your head. A sermon ironically becomes a confirmation to the wrestling of a Saturday, time and again. Sometimes, it's a desired answer, and sometimes it's a convicting lightbulb, but if you watch for it you'll find it.

Regardless of what your questions are, if you seek Him with all of your heart, He will answer. Maybe not the way you thought, but He will answer. “He is not safe, but He is good.” C.S. Lewis

God Sees

I’m so thankful that God sees. Recently as I contemplated this, a lot of scenes flashed in front of my mind, and I realized God saw all those with me, as well as all the rest of each of those lives, and all the moments of billions of people’s lives simultaneously.

He saw the day I was followed by secret police before I knew about it. He also sees everything else that spies all across the world see.
He saw the old couple from somewhere deep in the forest who were on my flight, and had rarely seen civilization.
He saw and heard the groans of a wounded man who was picked up in a remote town and then transported on my flight to the big city.
He saw the lepers in India. He also saw the day Christians jokingly sang a song about a leprosy colony.
He sees stone quarries, and the brick making yards where people are enslaved in India.
He not only saw the road to the Taliban camp, He saw their souls.
He sees my Hindu train friends, and the day we ate lunch together.
He saw the crazy lady who rode the train with a stick in her mouth like a dog. And sees all the other mentally challenged people at the same time.
He sees the beggars, the bird lady and her children.
He sees the kids who run the tea shops... the mohingya shops, and wherever else they are working, when they should be getting an education.
He sees the refugee camps scattered across the world and the 60 plus millions who are displaced around the world.
He sees all the buses that go flying around corners with people crammed in every possible way, barely having enough air to breathe. He knows where the drunk man who tried to pay for his ride with a fish is even right now.
He sees the red light districts, and all the sickening stuff that goes on.
He sees genocides all over the world. Brutal raping, killing, burning babies alive...
He sees those who have seen these things come back home where people are callous, and even call foreigners names.
He sees kids and cultures that try to hockey for a place in this world by put downs, and cursing.
God sees each minute of our lives, and the lives of the billions. He knows the end of the story before the beginning happens.

He is a God of Love. He is capable of feeling all of the pain in the world. He can't build a protective wall, or shut down because He had too much. He is pure Love. Love that overcomes all barriers.

When Jesus died on the Cross for all of this, is it any wonder the sky turned dark? The auguish of it all was simply too much. But even all the sin of the world couldn't keep Him buried. He rose again.

In the end, it's Love, not hate or the fear behind hatred that is stronger. Love will win. At the end of time, every knee will bow and agree. Until then, let's be compassionate, transforming Love to the world.

Radiant Feminity

Ancient Jewish tradition has it that only women can light the candles at the Passover. Interesting to think about in the context of the Light of the World coming through a woman. The traditional illustrations of Passover offered food for thought at a recent communion service.

We talk about radiant brides, but I don't remember ever hearing about the groom or any other male being described as glowing. Tell me if you have.

It seems like the role of women isn't in drawing the outlines of pictures, but in shading in colors in an existing framework. We were designed to light the candles, but leave the crafting in metaphor terms to God and the men. We leave the creation of a masterpiece in God’s hands, yet we are the best shade of our personalities that we can be. We are the colors, the spark, the life givers, the nurturing hand in relationships, seed sprouting green thumbs. We are to help others see the Light, and bring redemption, transformation, and hope to the world in our feminine ways.

I know, Proverbs 31 made candles, but the efficiency of the perfect woman isn't my point. She spent every bit of her time to bring life to those around her in any possible way she could. She worked within her realm, to the fullest of her potential and abilities. Her husband was known in the gates, so I doubt he was passive and allowed her rule the roost when he was a perfectly capable and loving leader. We don’t need to focus on being perfect, but on doing what is in our power to improve the world for those around us.

Sometimes we think we know what the picture should look like, and we either color outside the lines, or add details we were not supposed to. It's then that we lose our luster as we attempt to take control of our world. Control has never once gotten us what we want, so why do we try to manage our little lives instead of trusting? And control dims the light within.

Other times, we may get bogged down and burdened. It’s time for rest in His presence, or even more life will drain from us. Too often we allow distractions even in the form of good things to keep us from really connecting to the Source. If we are going to meet the many needs, we need to also fill up our own cup so we have something to give.

We need to continually connect to the Light Source to keep the glow alive. I need the reminder as much as anyone. Jesus said we need to “abide.” Are we holding an open hand, heart or cup towards Him to receive? Sometimes we think our earthly relationships lack, or the less than what we need part enters into our relationship with God, and we allow a wall to form that keeps us from really receiving. Regardless of what we have experienced, God by nature is Love and He literally died to show us His love.

I have been contemplating on the idea of living from our hearts, instead of by a set of rules. At some point it breaks down, but when we do relationships by the cultural rules, when our hearts feel like doing a different thing. I think the spark returns when we live from our hearts. When we try to apply math strategies to make life work, there is an internal death of sorts that happens. We don’t bring the joy, radiance or life we were meant to offer.

I have mentioned some of the barriers like control, etc... that create resistance to the power free flowing into our lightbulb. We need to remove anything that distracts, and focus on allowing the light to radiate in our lives. Take an honest inventory of what is in your heart. Nothing is worth losing your radiance for.

Just as Mary brought the Light into the world, so we as women also have a special ability to bring light and life to the world. We may not completely understand it, or consciously bring it, but the aura we have around us is clear to those around us. Let’s remove the barriers that keep the light from radiating the way it wants to.

God has a specific way for each of us to light up some part of the world for His glory. Go be that chandelier, candle, or lantern in your own uniquely created way!

Grounded

"That you being rooted and grounded in love..." Ephesians 3:17
"More than Conquerors through Him that loved us..." Romans 8:37
"Live Loved." Lysa TerKeurst

When you join a prayer mentor group, you start thinking about prayer a lot more for some reason! ;) Anyway, in the midst of Henri Noewen thoughts on prayer, I'm inspired, challenged and blessed with the idea of centering my whole life on His Love and to live like a beloved daughter of His, instead of grasping for love in lesser things. What does it look like to pray as the Beloved?

Sometimes it feels like He is far away and uninvolved, but even in the midst of the hard, I sense that He was there all along.

Maybe you identify more with pulverized pulp as your heart like I have already, or even started understanding the kids that can't pay attention when you feel your brain going on a mental ADHD strike because there are so many stressors that you can't figure out which one to figure out first. Fortunately, I had the capability to control my external actions enough most people didn't catch on. The poor kids don't have enough mature restraint to keep it under control. And thank God, it didn't last. The aftermath of the "Flood" paired with a volcano, windstorm, and a backhanded slap can cause drastic inner turmoil. Still some of us think it's just life and we need to just take it in stride. We guilt trip ourselves for not taking it all better. Seriously. I hope you have someone who tells you that you have a lot of things to grieve and that it's ok to cry. You aren't crazy. In the midst of all the messy, I didn't see His hands moving. Didn't feel the transformation. And yet, I look back and say during the whole destruction process, an amazing amount of healing happened. I know, it's a paradox, but that's God. He uses messy to make beautiful. He isn't scared, surprised or confused by anything, and in fact, He uses broken crayons to color fabulous pictures.

In the restructuring, I hope that I can stay abiding in His love. Grounded in Love. And I hope that you are able to do the same. So how do we lean into this new mindset more? How do we lean into relationships from a place of being loved? How do we lean into God and pray from a place of knowing we are deeply loved?

It's not the absence of trouble that we find God, and grow exponentially. It's in the storms we find our anchor. It's not found in calm waters, so don't flee to the safe harbors. Stay in it. Feel the loneliness, and all the rest of the hard stuff. It's all these things that pierces us to the point of turning towards Him.

Rest. It's an invitation to come and hear from Him.

Meditate on Scripture, instead of letting our minds run wild. I was gifted a beautifully scripted set of verses, and setting those around my house has given me food for thought.

Community. If you have been through enough, it's enough. Take a break, but don't become a hermit.:) I value friendships more then ever. There's a few people who are worth staying up till after midnight to talk with. :)

"Hope anchors the soul." Hebrews 6:19 I'm still contemplating the different ways that Hope enters in, but I know we need it on the darkest days. We will eventually be free on the other side of life, if peace doesn't come before that.

If we are going to weather all the storms that life brings our way, and keep ourselves going, we may have to take a moment to recover, but we are going to have to go deeper and deeper with Him. We need to be Rooted. Grounded. Deeply in Love.

I fully expect to one day look back at all these dramas and think that was nothing compared to what I'm facing then. And whatever those future things are, I believe that I'll get through because God will still be walking with me. And I hope that I'll shake less, trust more, and continue in confidence because He is faithful. I wish the same for all the rest of you sojourners. Till then, let's go deeper!

Locked Out

The door banged shut, and instantly I knew. I had locked myself out of my own house, with my keys and phone still inside, and my car safely parked in the locked garage. All I had was myself. The guys a 6 minute drive away have a key to the house. Soo... Do I attempt to walk through the "hood" between me and them, and how long will that take, "break in" a window, or should I humbly ask a neighbor if I can borrow their phone, holding my breath as I dial, hoping I remember a phone number correctly??? Long story short, I connected with my neighbors in good ways, and 2 hours later, I was in my home again when one of the guys graciously brought the key over.

You see, life feels like that sometimes. Locked out. Some of it is the fact that living overseas changes you, re-entry is tough, and finding a new normal while processing a very colorful experience abroad is not for the faint of heart. Some of it is that I live in a new community, and building friendships doesn't get easier as we get older. And I am single, with no housemates. Few people understand what I consider my daily grind or the years abroad by personal experience. I get tired of explaining. All I want is eyes that know before I blurt out words. Rare indeed, especially outside of co-workers.

1:48 am is never a good time to wake up. Maybe it's different for you, but a steady stream of negative thoughts are basically all that come at this dark hour. An hour of this flooding is what makes me not want to wake up in the morning again. During the day, it's usually much easier to have positive thoughts.

6 am sets off the alarm. I wake up from a weird dream, and feel like I should read Joshua 4. Ok, am I hearing right? I get there, and it's about the children of Israel crossing Jordan and building a memorial. Oh yeah, this is for me. It's a moment of hope to what feels impossible. Maybe last night's lockout is not the story of my life.

I get to school for what I know will be an abnormal day. What I didn't know is that the unusual schedule would allow me to connect with a colleague who has lived abroad as well. Our re-entry experience is similar. Maybe I'm not locked out of life after all. Somebody else gets the hard part of re-entry!!!! As the day continues, more people text than normal, and my coworker wants to come over and learn how to cook American style. I guess I am not locked out anymore.

Since I could only blame myself for locking the door out of habit, I also thought about the struggle of feeling like something is infinitely wrong with me. I could rattle off the list of faults, just like you might have yours...

Grace offers space for the list. I can come "inside" the house even in spite of... and you can, too. Maybe most people never will understand, but God does. And He arranges circumstances to speak deeply to our hearts.

So for the one person out there who intuitively "gets it by experience," this is for you. I hope you are blessed and encouraged to not give up. It feels vulnerable to share, but you, whoever you are, be blessed. I'm down with a splitting headache, but couldn't rest till I wrote this out for you.

You belong. You're not locked out, or less deserving of the good things. There is room for you. You don't need to stay guarded for the rest of time. You will one day again be a little more sociable and able to give to the world. You have walked through things and survived stuff that most people in our Western world probably will never comprehend that were good life lessons. There may not be many who "get it" but we know that we wouldn't trade the experiences we had for all the extra cash in their pockets. The "hellish" pieces even made or are making you a better person, and you don't want to give that up for anything this petty culture and all its 1st world problems have to offer. Don't give up!

What are You Grooming For?

They say most girls that are trafficked, were groomed first. Potentially even before they were sweet talked into it, they were molested or abused.

Whether we realize it or not, culture also typically grooms us (usually in a good way) for cultural expectations. I don't know what your exact culture prepared you for, but there are likely certain physique, personality, skills, education, relationship, and hobby requirements that they are trying to guide you into and shape you into their mold.

Some of us have even tried to steer ourselves into fitting the mold. Maybe because we didn't believe in ourselves being ok just the way we are. Maybe cause we didn't have the moral support to be who we were made to be.

As life continues, I hear from others that the life they have, isn't the one they expected. I never dreamed at 15, that I'd be living the life I live. I think God does it to us so we are more dependent on Him.

So how do we prepare for the life we are made for and called to, instead of going with the cultural mold? How should we "groom" ourselves and the generations coming after us? I hope we can move in the direction of pushing ourselves to become more like Jesus, and what He wants for our lives corporately as cultures, and personally.

Some grooming tools that push us more towards Him include:

Worship. Knowing the sovereignty of God, and honoring Him, places Him on His rightful throne. When we have that down, we automatically have a spirit of worship and awe. As we see the Potter's hands on our lives, we can be more accepting of His unique plans for us.

Surrender. Let God drive. Stop yourself like I recently when I was praying. Instead of praying that God would help me to do xyz, I want to pray that God's will is done through me with or without my help. It's not my life, but His.

Praise. It messes up the enemy, and allows God to flow more freely. And doesn't God get more glory and honor from our lives when we fill our unique niches? Praise flows easiest from humans when they are in their "glory." Doesn't mean we go for what is the easiest for us, but on the days I feel like "this is what I was born for," I live with a spirit of praise. Another form of praise is complimenting others when they fill their niche.

Encouragement. Everyone needs a champion who cheerleads and believes in them. Some of us get that person, others of us don't. This aspect of my job is my favorite. I love rooting for my kids. Believing in them, loving on them, taking a minute here or there to encourage. Encouraging is fun. I'm not sure why more people don't join the party???!!

Abiding. If we are going to do the things that God wants us to do, we are going to need His energy, His grace, and His love. And sometimes, just a quiet moment with Him to recharge. Stick close.

If you have more tools, comment. Let's join together to be the best cups/vessels/serving platters/chandeliers/whatever you picture yourselves as, and bless each one in their unique story, that most likely will be very different then the one you dreamed about as a young teenager.

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a hope and a future, says the Lord. It may not be your dreams, but it will be good.

Light Run Wild

“And perhaps what made her beautiful wasn’t her appearance or what she achieved, but in her love, and in her courage, and in her audacity to believe. No matter the darkness around her, the light ran wild within her, and that was how she came alive, and it showed up in everything.” Morgan Harper Nichols

“After the fire, she blossomed. She was fierce yet vulnerable; strong, though compassionate. All the tangles of the woods couldn’t keep her down.” Anonymous

Resurrection is something that is an essential part of Christianity, and yet do we believe this power is within us? Is it transforming our lives on a daily basis? If we aren’t experiencing that, are we pleading and begging for redemption in our own lives?

Can we hang on for the ride and believe that sooner or later, it comes? Darkness, hard stuff, and eternal roller coaster riding do come to an end. This stuff does come to an END! Did you catch that? The story isn’t over till Easter Sunday breaks bright and clear. That might be figuratively speaking, but it happens. And it’s exciting!!! The abyss can’t ever swallow the winning side!

Defiant joy has been a theme for me this year. We’re speeding towards the end of this decade, and 2020 will be here before we know it. In quiet ways, joy has come. Yes, there has been a lot of unexpected drama this year, but there’s also things to rejoice in. Sometimes there has to be a defiance towards negative circumstances in order to preserve the joy, but occasionally it bubbles over in spite of.

In the middle of it, a lot of it boils down to not letting all the sadness, the tough stuff get to us. Are there things that I still cry about? Absolutely. But a positive attitude rests in knowing that God is on the throne, that He will use the circumstances for His glory, and that even if it looks dark, for those who believe, the future is really bright.

Sometimes we need to separate all the parts of our lives, and live in the moment so that the hard drama from one department doesn’t get shipped elsewhere. I know, I wrestled with this one this week when someone tried to infringe on a boundary I set up. If I said no, that’s what I mean, so don’t push it. But some have that audacity. Ok, enough ranting. I can’t allow those frustrations to spill over into other aspects of life. I admit, I'm a extremely spaghetti kind of woman, and can't do the guy "waffle compartmenting" sort of thing very well. But I am trying. This separating piece is a rabbit trail of the main point of seeing resurrection happening in our lives, but it keeps giving me better perspective if I step back far enough to not drag the tough stuff into the great.

On a journey, it's hard to see the resurrection in the making. It's the darkest hour just before Dawn. It's hard to keep hope alive sometimes, but don't give up. Surrender to God, yes. To His timing, His plan, His ideas. But don't ever give up believing He has good plans for you. Tomorrow might be the beginning of the next chapter.

My prayer for all of us is that we become so enraptured with His power and All the Amazing Things He is, that we are no longer affected by the circumstances of our lives. That our one and only desire would be that His Will would be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Truly, that is where Awesome begins.

Let the Light run wild inside us, and spill over into everything else!

Offenses

“Try to have an unoffendable spirit, because offenses are one of the biggest blockers in an effective prayer life.”- Brenda Neuenschwander. That’s some good food for thought.

Ever since that damp, foggy morning in a rural village plopped in the middle of Myanmar, I knew I wanted absolutely nothing to do with bitterness. Up till then, it was a struggle. But since then when it creeps up on me, I make a conscious decision to drop it as fast as possible. The ranting old spinster in front of me that day was the epitome of everything I didn't want to become.

Now here I am back in America, almost 2 years later. I recognize I still have space to grow more in this area. I'm not tempted to pray for development in this area, for I fear the bitter lemons to be made into sweet lemonade as much as you do. But I think God sometimes has a kinder way to help us change perspective.

I think what helps me more is to dig into how deeply God loves us. I read recently that the foundation of healthy spirituality is dependent on believing God loves me as much as anyone else. Sorry, not sure which one of several books I'm reading, but knowing that love changes everything. It's profound when God's opinion takes precedence over others. When we know and believe in our hearts what extraordinary love He has for us, all the drama kinda eases away from pounding us on our throats and threatening our "life blood."

I've been bitter at God. There... It's true. I had to forgive Him. At the same time, I knew I had to ask Him to forgive me, too for being bitter so long. God is big enough to handle it, but He is also pained at our misperception of Him. That bitterness was the wall that kept my misperception in place. Be honest with yourself. I may not be the only one who has had some wrong theology going on.

It's not so much about how the offenses come, but what we do after the fact. What do I believe as a result of the event? What have you turned to because of what happened?

There is a lot of peace, and rest after we get past offenses to resting in His love. I've often found comfort in picturing all the bad things on one pile, with all the good things of God on the other side. The good side is always higher, for God can't be outdone. No matter how evil it can be, God has something even more awesome and greater than however large the wicked part is. God’s love is something we can trust, relax in, and believe to be as true for us as for anyone else.

The enemy uses offenses and hard things to keep our eyes off the truth of how much He loves us. We have to step back and see the big picture sometimes, for the right perspective of God and ourselves changes everything. Don’t get swept into what is going on. Sometimes, I simply don’t get involved anymore because I know where I might go in my head emotionally. Learn to sidestep the trap, if you can see it. Reality is if we have God in His proper place on the throne, we tend to have a better perspective on life, too.

Moral of the story is we can either get caught up in the drama of offenses and keeping score, or we can step back, get God in the right place in our hearts, and be able to rise above the situation.

We don't need offenses taking up brain space that we could be using for praying, or offering grace. Yes, we can pray for offending circumstances, but why waste all our energy and time when there are a ton of prayer opportunities out there?

Revival

Life is crazy.
A friend’s husband dies at 36 from dengue fever, and she becomes a widow with 2 middle school age daughters.
4 girls go missing, as if a dad dying of cancer this spring wasn’t enough for a family. Thankfully, they are found.
Being responsible for roughly 300 kids of the 600 at school, and being a voice for their families is a big challenge, but it’s worthwhile. I am super glad for my co-Intrepreter to share the journey with, and in all reality, a lot more goes right than goes wrong most days.
There are volumes of books that could be written by refugees on all the trauma they have endured before they come to America, and even how it continues to happen.
A court date gets cancelled because an Intrepreter didn’t show, so the end of the story still isn’t known.
I see a 7 year old kid and his young friends walking down the street at 9pm,  and they aren’t going toward home. My heart cries out for their safety.
Another friend tells me she has a court date coming to separate with her husband... and the job she was offered, is something she has to wait for.
The list could continue...

But this isn’t the point of this blog. I could worry about all these things, and request prayer for a million things. But that isn’t my biggest concern.

The visiting preacher hit it on the head this past Sunday. Casual Christian Crisis was the title of the sermon. My heart breaks over the kind of conversations that are happening in our churches. The insecurity of unstable, stale, passionless pews across America weighs me down more right now than all that stuff I listed at the beginning. When you ask me how you can pray, pray for the church.

I can run myself ragged helping others, and you could, too. You see, the Good Book promises you will always have poor people.

We can find coping mechanisms for our own issues in helping others as well. Is it a good thing to always turn to “good things?” No. Need I say more?

Back to the passive attitude towards the Great Commissioner, who said the whole Story hangs on loving the Lord your God with everything you have, and your neighbors as yourself. We are ALL commissioned. There are no loopholes here.

Last I checked, there was no verse that made any room for hating on people who follow other religions. Hate isn’t anywhere close to a Jesus attitude. Christianity is the only one that talks about a God of Love. I don’t care who you are, or who you think you are, if you truly follow Jesus, you love. It’s not someone more spiritual who is called to it. It’s you. And everyone else who says they are a Believer. End of story. If you can’t love the sinner while hating their sin, you better check yourself.

I’m tired of telling city stories just for entertainment. I long for people who are dirty in the trenches, who get it. People who are struggling with the balance between loving God and keeping yourself passionate, with loving the people around us well. These faithful few exist, and I love them. I am excited to find more of them.

I know it sounds like high ideals, blah, blah... but reality is if you say you believe Him, you need to obey every part of the Word, including the Great Commission. Somehow, we think if we get baptized right, communion right, modesty right, 1 Corinthians 11 right, Proverbs 31 if you are female, and follow Ephesians 5 for relationships, we have the corner on the whole gospel. Really??? I am glad I had teachers who set the record straight, and say that the basis for the Great Comission is found in Genesis 12, right at the beginning of the Bible. God blessed Abraham to be a blessing... for one reason: to bless others. I’m getting the picture that the prosperous offspring of Abraham who live in America are fast losing grasp of the reason for the promise of blessings. If that offends someone, well, go read the Book. I know, truth should be spoken with grace. But I don’t want this truth to be
watered down. There’s a lot of people that I love who need to consider what God might have for them. This isn’t high ideology. It’s what is required of God’s people.

What this boils down to is our hearts. Where are you headed? Is God big enough in your own head to deserve all the glory He can get from your life and all the lives you influence? If we are going to throw our crowns at His feet in Heaven, is Jesus worthy enough in your mind to make sure that halo is far more extravagant than a flimsy Burger King kiddo crown? That crown isn’t about us. Maybe you don’t see it this way, but my Jesus deserves the very best I can offer Him as a gift.

What is your passion? Where has your passion gone, if it feels burned out? We can just be passive about a message on passion, or we can become alive and passionate.

Prayer is important and necessary. But at some point, we also need to rise up and do something along with our prayer.

90% of efforts go to help people who already know Truth. What about the people who were never told Truth?! You can find them anywhere in the world. When are you going to turn at least some of your efforts toward them?

Let’s stop having little “feel good” clubs, pat answers, self righteous and perfect responses in all the right places, and get messy. There are more crazy situations out there then every Family Member working full time combined could take care of. Let’s make it real. It’s not fun and games. It’s the stuff that steep learning curves and roller coasters are made of. You’re going to cry often. But it’s not about us. It’s about what He asks.

It’s time for revival. Real flaming fire. Repentance. Cancelled plans traded in for confession and testimony. I could cry for how much I want to see it. 11 years ago, I was privileged to be present at what we as a group later called ‘Super Tuesday’. That day revival broke loose, and people were changed. That day bonded that group of people like nothing else could. We were the full spectrum of personalities, opinions, and polarizing in many ways. But the revival brought us together. This needs to happen again, everywhere in the world. I am ready to see it again, in all my circles.

Once revival happens in our churches, the neighborhood will be changed as well. We will go out and tell. Only after we get the fires rekindled in our own hearts, can we effectively engage those around us. Henceforth and till revival breaks out, pray for the church. Revival always starts with the church, not the city.

It needs to start with everyone. Every leader, every dad, every mom, every Sunday School teacher, and all the rest. Pedestals need to be eliminated, and together we need to repent and seek God. He will meet us.

God is on the move. We just need to get on board with Him.

Trust

Donald Miller in his book Scary Close, references a conversation with a friend who brings justice to the victims of human trafficking, or merchants of drugs, etc... This man told Donald that the thing these perpetrators had in common was distrust. There is a lot of crazy that happens when people don't trust each other, and even more bizarre when they don't trust God.

We know in our heads that we should and can trust Him, but when life gives us an Abraham situation where we need to leave home with no idea where we are going, or it feels like God is holding out on the promise He gave us, it can be tough.

It’s even more complicated when a situation comes along that makes it feel like God betrayed you. He didn’t, but some events can set you spinning in some crazy ways. This stuff is real.

This has been the summer when God has earned trust back. He didn’t need to do anything to change the lies I was believing cause it was my problem, not His, but over and over, God has touched and healed things that were sore points. I am falling in love all over again with the One who continues to love unconditionally.

In Experiencing God, Henry Blackaby states that what God really wants is a love relationship with Him. This resonates with my personal experience. And when we love someone, we generally trust them. So if we can trust God, we love Him. If we say we love Him, we should be able to say we trust Him. Not trying to be confusing, but love and trust are intertwined.

So maybe like Abraham, you have gotten a word from God and are waiting for more instructions. But you can't act, because it's going to be on God's "to do" list, not yours. When it's out of our control, that's when it feels the hardest to trust.

Or maybe it's closed doors. Possibly a whole series of them. And you wonder when is the right door going to open? This takes trust stretched thin and still believing.

Can we find the space of love enough in our hearts to keep us trusting? Resting on His promises, and enjoying His love is the only way I can get through this murky journey of trust. I have to remind myself that the whole point of the story is walking with God, and enjoying the relationship, not what I do. Maybe that is why we find ourselves in the middle of this quandary in the first place.

If you struggle with trust, just remember the common bond of criminals is their lack of trust. I don't think you want to turn to their illicit ways of running their world because they trust no one.

Maybe you have to remind yourself like I do that I am on a journey of faith. Once upon a time, I had enough faith to call my blog Journey of Faith. What changed? It wasn't God...Here's to digging deeper into faith! In the pregnant pauses of life, waiting for whatever is next, search out His love and trust Him more than the days when faith came easily.

The real punch line on this faith thing though comes in the book of Job. He said, "Even though He slay me, yet will I trust in thee." What he didn't know was it was Satan, not God who was messing with him. And God had told Satan that he couldn't take Job's life. Are we willing to trust God even if it appears He is taking our life? Can we give God the benefits of the doubt and still believe? That's what I'm aiming for, regardless of whether the end of the story is blessed like Job or not.

Just Be

They say no voice can praise just like yours, nobody can dance just like you, and nobody can have the same fingerprints or pupils we have. No one has our story exactly either although we can find people who have similarities.

Sometimes with a “being” mentality, we have the idea that that includes keeping the walls, the covers in place while we hide. Being embraces the broken pieces of our story, and realizes that sometimes “God heals our heart, but not our wounds.” Thanks to Matt Bays, author of “Finding God in the Ruins” I have been contemplating on this... our hearts and not our wounds. Covering wounds don’t help them heal. And most of the time, they surface anyway. Occasionally, they happen in the middle of our face and nothing can hide it. I would rather skip the stories of stitching up my face in Thailand, or cut lips, or well, yeah, some of us just have ways of getting ourselves into weird situations. But eventually the bandage has to come off, and people ask questions.

Let’s get a little more clear. Sometimes we excuse our masks, our false selves and say everyone needs to just accept me being me. That part of just being isn’t what I think we need to keep, just to put that out there.

However, if the story has been hard and broken, just “be” with it, and have real conversations with God about the time you felt betrayed by Him, or whatever it was. Doesn’t mean you have to tell the whole world, but tell the ones that matter.

So back to healed hearts but wounds that won’t scab, and close up with a scar. We will have certain themes that follow us for life, unless God mercifully removes a thorn from our side. Can we accept those parts of the story, and just acknowledge for a moment that we will always “be prone to wander, prone to leave the God we love?” Maybe it’s rejection that keeps your walls in place. Maybe it’s pride, greed, or something else that you hide. Sometimes God helps us let down the guard, the false selves, and the coping mechanism we turn to, and with that, healing comes to our heart.

The wounds of the past can’t be replaced with a new story. If you were abused or neglected, you can not change the stories to be what you needed. Those stories will remain the same. To a certain point, you will have healing and will continue to heal, but the unmet needs will always be there.

We don’t revisit the past for excuses. We go there to find what lies we started believing. When we change our thoughts and beliefs, we change our lives. We may have been harmed, but the coping mechanisms and false selves and unredeemed stories have the potential to do more damage than whatever they did.

If you look back, there’s always a good chance that you will see times where you became more compassionate, more of an advocate because of what you experienced. If you allow yourself to become a better person instead of bitter, there is a good chance you will.

You will probably see pieces of God in it as well that you would never want to lose. Maybe it’s a story of praying that God would help you forget because you were too young to understand or deal with the situation. And then years later, someone apologizes for the situation, and instantly you remember for the first time what you asked God to wipe from memory. God honored that prayer. Maybe it’s a different way He came through for you.


When it comes to “Just Be” in our hard pieces, allow God to use those when He wants to. I remember once when God clearly prompted me to share a piece in Asia that even went against Asian cultural grain. The Interpreter was flipping out on me, but it was the truth. Days later, I noticed one girl was only coming to my class and not general assembly. One day we had a “glare down” because she didn’t believe the truth I was teaching. Non-verbal communication is real, especially if there are language barriers. Later, I found out she struggled with the same piece I had shared. Fast forward a few years, I ran into a man from her primitive village... a God story all its own because it was hours away from the village and we just ‘randomly’ walked into this house on our way somewhere else. She seemed to be doing better, from what he said. For the 3 years in between, she was a regular on my prayer list. In my heart, I believe that I will see her in Heaven and I can’t wait to really talk with not one single barrier like language or an obnoxiously loud and opinionated male Intrepreter from a female speaker to a female audience. So if God tells you to say it, put it out there, even if there is an uproar. And sorry. I don’t feel the urge to spill all and go into details of the hard piece. If you feel the urge to message and ask, I can tell you.

“Out of your greatest pain will flow your greatest ministry.” One of my favorite teachers had me questioning his statement for a while. But it’s true. When we talk about the hard things as He leads us to, God things happen. I remember a weekend where I was asked to share with youth girls. My sister thought I should not do it, and didn’t want to help with an aspect that I wanted help with. But I knew what God had said, so I did what I wouldn’t have chosen myself. And He blessed it in extraordinary ways as that group connected in ways it almost never had before.

Maybe it’s the redemptive theme of my life to tell people that this is true that “Out of your greatest pain will flow your greatest ministry.” Maybe your motif is a bit different, but let the hard pieces be used for His glory. Whatever we do, let’s drop our guards in the circle we find ourselves in, and share as the Spirit leads. There’s a good chance there is a “Me, too” just waiting to happen.

Own your story. The whole bloody, sweaty, sticky beautiful masterpiece is all uniquely and amazingly yours. People have told me that my version of ‘Noah’s flood’ would be a gold mine for years to come. I wanted to throw them overboard, but I know that there is truth in their words. I don’t see it all yet, but I believe somewhere the other side of the rainbow, I can cash in the gold pot and help someone for His glory.

SuperFood:
In 1 Samuel, it talked about difficult and depressing circumstances like his wives being kidnapped and taken for slaves, but “David encouraged himself in the Lord.”
In the Corinthians passages, Paul said his sufficiency is of God. He also talks about not being overwhelmed by hard stuff. Persecuted but not forsaken, cast down but not destroyed. Corinthians also talks about us comforting people like God comforts us.
The thing with super food is that we don’t seem to absorb it as well when life is good. It takes on meaning when we are desperately hungering and thirsting.

So be real with God, and let Him talk back to you. Whatever He has to say, expect profound. I was angry about a certain situation and why the redemption didn’t come till almost 15 years later... God asked me if life would have been easier if it hadn’t happened, resulting in me buying into lies? Umm, no. I don’t think God wants us to believe lies, but this is one of those times when He turned a bad situation into something for my good.

I often contemplate the truth of the words of the rat race lady of Myanmar... “A lot can be accomplished when nobody cares who gets the glory.” (Minus glorifying God) Let God be glorified in your whole story, including the hard pieces.

Perspectives

"Maybe we should consider the possibility that we haven't been put in their lives to help them get healed. Maybe, in fact, the reverse can be true: that they are God's gift to us, showing us how to grieve, how to plumb the depths of hell and survive, and how to find grace." -Matt Bays

It's all in perspective. Maybe you don't question your life, and the situations around you as much as I can. My main question is not if it makes a difference. My main concern is whether I have the energy.

My former student gave a devotional recently, and quoted Oswald Chambers. I will rephrase the main concept. We are called to be exhausted. We are Jesus and His love, His energy to people until they directly connect to Him. We are called to exhaustion... Unless as Chambers goes on to say, we are constantly refilling where we need to- from Jesus. My student also talked about how the last mile is the hardest, and we should not quit, because we may almost be there. He is as brilliant as ever.:)

When situations go beyond our control or understanding, we have to grieve the losses. There's a lot of things wrong in this world, and nothing I do will change much of anything. All I know at the end of the day is Someone who walks with us, and isn't shocked by anything. Having Someone who knows the end from the beginning is comforting, but I think He also cries at the pain, the difficult with us.

Entering a living hell and surviving... There is something about walking in a dark alley full of hunger for all kinds of things that changes your perspective on life. The claws that reach to devour you aren't easily forgotten, and give a new compassionate understanding for those caught in their grasp.

Next time you experience any negative emotions, think about what is behind it. Often it's a good desire that wasn't met. It's a "hunger" for something, and at first glance it feels most powerful to choose the negative reaction vs. acknowledgement of the desire. Don't surrender to the negative, because that is where "hell" enters. I have experienced hunger for food to the point of it affecting my emotions. Ever since, I ask any behavior challenged child if they are hungry. It's a legit thing, people. I could change my situation and eat more, but they can't always.

At some point, you realize that the only way out is grace, and you desperately plead for it, for them, for you.

Perspective changes when you realize that without the drama, you would be a very different person. And at that point, you become thankful.

This journey is God's gift. His severe mercy. We pray for something, and He doesn't give it because He has our best interests in mind. Recently, He has shown me why He didn't answer a prayer from a long time ago. I'm thanking Him over and over and over again now. My life may be dramatic, but I also realized the drama I have been spared from. So if life hands you things you didn't want, just think about the wisdom of the person who said that if we knew what He does, we would choose the same story He did. It's a gift for us, His beloved.

So truly, Mr. Chambers wisely counsels us to go to the real Source of energy. We have to feast like Elijah because just like the angel told him, "The journey is too hard for you." And he went on that energy for 40 days. Read 1 Kings 19 for more details.

If I am going to keep entering the living hell of broken lives around me, I will need to have connections with the energy Source. I will also need the humility to say that they are His gift to me, teaching me how to grieve, how to live, and Who He really is.

The Prayer of the Children

This choir season, my favorite choir is singing the song you are probably familiar with: ''The Prayer of the Children". It strikes a raw chord with people who work in the field I do. There are so many broken stories I can't repeat for the sake of the children's privacy, but I will tell you that you don't have to go far to be able to find children begging for a little love. I can tell you of a few who literally go running crazy wild if you love on them cause they don't know how to handle it.

The most heartbreaking thing though is when you realize that all around you are adults who 'sang' this song as kids and never found 'loving arms' before they grew up. I will always remember the night she showed me the self inflicted cuts she had on her arm. I started crying because I realized she couldn't, and this was her "cry." I don't remember what all I said, but I remember her telling me to stop crying. Oh dear girl... It's not good to get emotional or react in front of struggling people, but I feel intuitionally that she needed to know her story is tears worthy.

While I was sitting at the mechanic shop this week, getting an oil change, the lady at the front desk and I got into a conversation. It's easy for people to throw money out there for you name it in situations like these mentioned above, but reality is, we need more bodies and people are willing to teach life skills, love, and enter into messy. It's hard to find people willing to make commitments like that. If you repeat the words of the song to yourself, it asks for loving arms away from harm, not for cash. 

I understand we are all busy. I get it. I am, too. I am not calling anyone out. I just want to invite you to the rich life of making a small difference in a child's life.

As we enter into the story of the kids down the street, we find our own brokenness as well, and together we can all find healing in loving arms.

As a PS to this post, I pray that the current heartbreaking situation in Haiti, as well as for the roughly half of the global refugee populations (65.6 million in 2017) who are under 18 that are vulnerable to all kinds of abuse, that especially these would find loving arms away from harm. Amen.

Toxic

This word, toxic, comes up a lot these days.

Toxic Charity is a great book if you help people.

Winter requires trips to the library. Once this year, there was a book that caught my eye. It talked about why boys aren't doing as well as girls in school. With few exceptions, I call home concerning more boys’ behavior than girls, so instantly I am intrigued. One reason was toxins in the environment. It was a fascinating read by a male author, but this is not what I going to zoom in on.

Recently, I met friends for coffee and one of them made a statement, then asked if I would speak on toxic relationships. Ummm! Not in front of the people who I figured she was talking about. They intimidate me, and I barely know them. You notice anything toxic entering here?!? Well, since I prefer writing to speaking, I will take her challenge here.

She had been reflecting on a statement made by a friend that went like this: (said by a man to friend's friend so I will try to get the main idea down here) Women being quiet in church has given us ladies a chance and the license to be lukewarm and leave spiritual growth to the men. As she was thinking through this scenario, she wondered if this is how women become toxic. I think she is on to something. I think women should be pushing themselves towards growth but stay in their place. Is that how all toxins enter however? No, I don’t think so.

Unfulfilled expectations is another place that toxic stuff can enter in. You mess with my dreams, my hopes, and my wishes and suddenly you see a side of me that neither of us knew before, unless God enters in the picture. I think this is true for all of us.

Inner vows are another entry point. It may be a good sounding thing at first glance like “Our team will not have team conflict” or “Our church will not have a split.” Truth is wherever there are people, there will be conflict. If there isn’t, something is wrong. In the New Testament already, when the church was still young, you can read about conflict. If conflict is strangely missing, someone is either being a doormat or something and is agreeing externally. Healthy is a constant give and take.

Life has stresses and trauma it likes to throw at us. When these come along, we can soon tell who is coping and who isn’t. We can become toxic without realizing it in these moments.

A friend once said that behind every church split, is a controlling woman and possibly her cohorts. I would say strong women, even if they aren’t all exactly controlling. Women who don’t respect their husbands, and do things their husbands told them not to. This stuff is real, ladies and gentlemen.

How did they become so toxic? Adam was passive when Eve ate the poison. But she chose to believe lies. And history keeps repeating itself. Because I am a woman, I will address the ladies.

I was taking out the trash, and thinking about this blog, when I noticed once again that groundhogs are doing damage to the foundation of the garden shed in my backyard. I'm not sure which is more toxic: their damage or the fact that I yet need to call my dad or someone to catch them. When it comes to this kind of thing, I am all girl. But anyway, it illustrates exactly how when we notice foundational damages in our lives, we don't always immediately going running to our Heavenly Father. That's asking for more damage or more toxins to enter.

For the strong women: (the rest of you can skip this section)
Strong women need to control their toxicity more then others cause they have the propensity to do that much more damage. I don’t think every woman who is toxic is a strong woman, but since the strong normally bully the weak, I’ll address the Queens.
I am a strong woman whether I like it or not. Mostly not, but reality is, it’s what’s helping me survive the journey. Strong women wrestle with this whole deal of being quiet and submissive, while still using gifts of administration and let’s just be honest, leadership. Some good men actually stepped in and kept me from having to talk about leadership at a conference in India. I didn’t even know that I was asked, till after they stopped the plan. I was grateful to not do it, because I have had my share of questions and have come out ok with the way God set things up. I think where we come out at on the struggle, and how we handle our gifting makes all the difference in whether we become toxic or not.
A few concepts that I learned through my wrestling...
Talk about it honestly with the guys. I still feel bad for the guy who got a full venting of my frustration as I told a leader debriefing our whole group together, that I struggle with men who won’t lead, even when they have the free privileges to it, when some of us women have to sit on ourselves to stay in our place. Today, that isn’t nearly the struggle it was then, mostly because I talked about it that night, was heard, and could move on. This is why I stress honest but kind communication. I acknowledge that you will not always be heard, but that is the reality of vulnerability.
Leadership includes being visionary among other things. I connect more with being a dreamer then any other aspect. That might not be you. Sorry if it doesn't help.
Experiences teach you the hard sides of leadership and give you appreciation for those who step up and do it all the time. I was an internship leader, and the decision making ultimately fell to me, even though the other girl gave her opinion. Not an easy thing to figure things out cross culturally and make sure you offended no one. Another time, a man told a whole group that I was in charge of an event, and they were going to have to do whatever I said! Ok... I took it then, but I kinda doubt that I would now. I have some more then capable men to work under, so I gladly let them lead. (And get a little ticked if someone insults their ability cause you know you can say what you want to a strong woman, but you better not knock her family or friends)
On the other side of the struggle, being a strong woman can truly be a blessing. Learning how to steer this strength is the challenge, and then it can be powerful as you remain calm in difficult situations while continuing to offer your gifts with a new humble, surrendered and joyful spirit.
It's a worthwhile learning curve.

Back to toxin control:
-Gossip has got to go. Find a mentor and talk with them about issues, not the whole community.
-If you are not in a healthy place yourself, avoid people who you know you struggle with. You can’t do it permanently, but give yourself a break and recoup before you put yourself in a potential war zone.
-Don’t give mouthy people permission to rule the day. You choose what your day feels like. Don’t let them steal your happiness or give you anxiety attacks.
-Your opinions also matter and may be just as right as theirs, even if they are not popular in a group you find yourself part of. You don’t have to shut down who you are. They should still respect you.
-Pray like crazy about your relationship with them. God works miracles.
-Allow close friends from outside the situation to know you are struggling and let them speak into it.
-Don’t let someone’s jealousy define you. Having someone else tell me that this is the other woman’s problem, not mine was one of the best things that helped me. But you may not hear that. Tell yourself that now. It can’t all be your fault, your issues, or your problems.
-Acknowledge you didn't get everything right either.
-Bless the other people involved.
-Don't get bitter, get better.
-In the end, it’s just plain messy, hard and ugly. Sometimes leaving is the only way to cope. You aren’t a quitter, or whatever you call yourself either just because you walked away.
-If they judge you wrong, or assume things, you are not obligated to explain anything. But you are just as worthy of being stuck up for as the next person, and don’t you forget it for a minute.
-Give yourself time to heal. Babylon didn’t fall in a day, and you aren’t going to find a new normal in a day.
-This is no exhaustive list, and reality is I need to hear this as much as you. This toxin stuff feels like shaking a few weak leaves at a perpetual tornado. Eventually it does get to you, and you find you aren’t as strong as you once thought you were.

Post toxic survivors who have processed and journeyed well are the kind of friends that we really want. They know what it feels like to be powerless and caught in hard and messy stuff beyond their comprehension. They have learned truths that forever change them and they can spot someone struggling pretty quickly. If you quietly ask them, they may just offer a bit of their wisdom gained.

What I can give you is hope. What people do for evil intentions, God will use for good. I can testify to that. Truth is we learn more through adversity than through pleasure. True story. It may not be a pleasant experience, and it may be the Noah’s flood of your life, but rainbows and new life come eventually. When you are shaken to the core, light and truth can better permeate through the cracks. Open up to the good things that filter in through the brokenness, and cling to them.

I tell certain ones of my beloved that there are 300 leaders who had two things in common: A bad childhood, (I’ll add bad experiences for some of you) and someone who believed in them. If you already have the first, I pray God sends you the 2nd, if He hasn’t already. Either way, become one of those who believes in somebody. It doesn’t take all the sun, moon, and stars to be an ordinary person who with the help of God can leave an extraordinary impact.

We may think that a perfect world is toxic free, but I think the best people are those who have learned to live with toxins and thrive in spite of the hard. They are truly the strong, as well as the ideal role model for all of us.

Unbroken Circle

Ahhh. You can breathe. The circle is safe. Everyone sitting here is human, with their own version of the story full of joy, pain, and God. Emotions and spiritual journeying are full ranges of difficult to easy simultaneously for all of us. You are welcome into the deep. Pull up a chair and lean in as the coffee cools, and our hearts realize that the moment will be over before we want to go. You either have found these fleeting friendships and spaces, or you long for it.

I am intrigued with people, relationships, and emotions, plus a quick check on which blog posts get hits tells me you guys are, too. It freaks me out when I see something I as an ordinary fallible person wrote gets crazy many clicks till I remember we are all human, and we need reassurance that we are not alone in our brokenness. So for our greater good, and His glory, I will keep writing. Hang with me as I go the scenic route. You may not like how this starts, but as long as the end of the story is good, that's what matters, right?

You are too proud to seek help for yourself, but you're on an advocating bandwagon for people who desperately need help,(no, not yourself) or you just want to understand enough science to make life work for you. Deeper still, you sense something is off, and you just want to figure it out. You and I are both wishing I was using a different set of pronouns right now, cause neither of us wants to admit we are here, needy and broke like everyone else. It's hard to get our eyes off us and the crazy story we live.

In Corinthians, it talks about how we are changing from glory to glory. God doesn't want to have science and methodology in relationship with us. He wants to walk daily with us from one developing pane of gorgeous broken glass to another. We don't arrive at perfection till we get to Heaven. He is so creative that He doesn't want us to all have the same story formula. We are all different, and if we copied someone else, we'd be cheating and flunk the test.

So let's get back to the circle. It's essential that we keep it safe. The things we share aren't going to become gossip material. We see the tough times and damage that sinners have wreaked, but we walk in a bit deeper. We ask what was going on emotionally and spiritually while the story was happening. And we don't keep this in an online forum. We talk with real people about real problems, even if we get anxious in the spilling. We learn a lot in the circle.

You... Yeah, you who can't talk about your own stuff, but you are neck deep in your neighborhood full of problems. Eventually, this hood is going to push you over the edge, and you will get a chokehold on yourself. And you'll find out it's ok. You don't have to go cross cultural to experience it, but it's one of the richest ways to learn and change yourself. I know, because I have walked your path.

You... Yeah, you who just want to make life work, and function. You know more about survive then thrive. You just want to know the right behavior and actions to get you where you want to go. Ahh... I know you, too, for I have been there, done that. It breaks down at some point, that crazy formula just like Burmese grammar. It's freeing to not live by laws and formulas. You'll find that out once you reach the dead end of this road.

The stories, the patterns, and the hard pieces could be a dialogue for hours. But venting isn't our goal.

Our goals should include the following: Changing from Glory to Glory. More Jesus in me. More amazing redemption. More life then death. More light then darkness. Replacing lies with truth. Diamond polishing and sparkling. Joy in the midst of pain. Deep peace that what we know and experience now isn't the final verdict. Jesus won the battle already, and we're claiming it.

So practically speaking, how are you going to create a safe space to make these goals happen with your people?

You're wondering if I'm going to tell you to go to counseling. No, you don't need to. The church, or small groups of people doing life together can get you where you need to go. There's absolutely nothing wrong with going to counseling, but if the church did their job, there would be no need for an office with a long schedule. Read Larry Crabb books and you'll see where I'm coming from. What you need is a place to stop striving, and start breathing.

Form your circle(s). Some of these naturally flow together through family or community. Others happen as you live elsewhere for a while. Still others have to be intentionally planned and worked on.

Have a mentor. Figure out what you want to grow in this year, and find a role model for the year. Or maybe you need advice, find a wise older person who will meet you regularly. If you put a time frame on it, you can discuss your relationship openly in a year. If you are not going to where you want, or the other person wants to quit for any reason, you don't need to drag on and on, but can tactfully bring it to the table.

Pour out to others. Maybe that is younger people in your church. Maybe you help with a kids club. Or maybe like me, you beat yourself up a while before you realize you pour into 10-12 kids at school, and you help several families every week. Because they don't look like the mentee's that the women at church have, and the scenario is a bit different, it doesn't feel like I'm the looked up to mentor. Stop beating yourself up for doing something outside the box. Make a difference for the one you can impact, and be ok with that. I have met more than my quota of people, and there is only one minor situation I kinda regret investing in.

Your people will probably look more like Jesus’ disciples. A bunch of messy teenage fishers. If they don’t fit the nice clean illustrations of a mentoring book, don’t worry about it. Also, numbers aren't what matters. Jesus invested in 12, not a whole multitude.

You don’t have to know all the answers, or have life figured out to start helping others. Walk with God, pray a lot, and just be a friendly listener. Most people can solve most of their own problems if they think and talk about it long enough. Focus more on developing comfortableness in your relationship with God, the confidence in your own abilities. God uses broken crayons all the time, and they still color just the same.

Have a wide range of friends. You can learn something from everyone. City friends have checked up on my house when I'm gone, told me about this cool place or that one, patiently helped me understand cultures different than my own and more. Country friends have peaceful lives where they run if they hear any siren, while us city folks roll over and keep sleeping at this routine noise. 1:30 am gun shots not followed by sirens are a bit more disconcerting, but soon we fall asleep again. I have friends from at least 5 different religious backgrounds. I have liberal and conservative friends within the global  church community. I have a dear friend over 80, and the youngest one is 2.5 years old.  On both sides of my extended family, there are cross-cultural marriages that add a different dimension to the family tree, and I am extremely grateful for the heritage of acceptance that has brought me. If all my friends and family were all in the same community and all the same color, my worldview would be much different. Sometimes we learn the most from people we never planned to meet, much less learn from. Hold each of these relationships as a valuable asset, and you will be amazed at what they can offer. I have been richly impacted by so many people. If it weren't for all of them, I wouldn't be as far in my journey.

If you aren't sure how to strike up a conversation, just notice little details, ask questions, and ad lib from there. I know one significant friendship started from "Are you tired?"

At funerals, we sing the song “Will the circle be unbroken?” It puts this whole relationship thing in perspective. Circles are accountability so none gets lost on the way, and why we need the circles in the first place.

I am penciling in ideas like diving into some colorful topics ranging from toxic relationships to trauma and more glorious things beyond that. I didn't want to start without setting the table for our circle discussion.

Keep it safe.
Keep it real.

Sodom

“You're the God of this City” was written by Chris Tomlin for Pattaya, Thailand. A modern day Sodom where 20,000 women sell their bodies on the average night. A vacation spot for the US navy touring Asia. God is still God in a nefarious place like that. Evil surroundings don't change who He is.

I will always remember meeting a returned Navy fighter with his innocent significant other. He and I shared a lot of unspoken words with our eyes as we acknowledged we “know” Pattaya, and she innocently smiled and stood by. The irony of her innocence and his knowledge stirred in the pit of my stomach along with deeply disturbing flashback I'd had that morning, as I observed a lot of Christian and even Mennonite people enjoying a parade.

So often the church is checked out, while evil is raging wild in “Sodoms” near or far. We can choose to live in the country, and live in a bubble that feels secure. A bubble can make it easy to forget that there is a spiritual battle going on.

While listening to a sermon on Lot and Abraham, the mention of Sodom kept taking me back to a certain street where I have a lot of memories, and lot invested. They say there are drugs being sold in broad daylight now, and that it becomes a red light district on Saturday nights. I have friends who moved off this street because there was drinking going every night outside their apartment all night long, and the poor 'fresh off the boat' mama was rightly freaked out with her brood as her husband went to work 3rd shift. My Sodom has a bunch of innocent children, who granted the right environment, could be just as well behaved and angelic as the best. They tell me stories about Daddy gambling, affairs between another girl's mom and 'my' girl's dad or that they saw the murdered man, “and blood was coming out.” They know about drugs and things more then most adults do. I could write volumes of stories from this block. I understand why it would be hard for Lot to leave because there are friends caught in the middle of the mess, and we don't want to leave them behind. God is the God of this city and street as well. I am reminded to not tell my God how bad my Sodom is, but to tell Sodom how big my God is.

Abraham interceded for Sodom, and while he probably never knew what the outcome of his prayers was, angels did show up to help Lot get away. We may never know how our prayers made a difference, and most of the time, it probably feels like it doesn't, but that isn't truth. Even Lot's prayers and his distraught feelings about what he saw going on around him in Sodom made a difference. All prayers make a difference, and I am challenged to pray more for the messes I know.

As the end of the world comes, Sodom will multiply and you might find yourself living closer to it then you ever dreamed possible. Don't let it scare you, or scar you. Lift your eyes up, and in faith, believe like Abraham. God will rescue you just like Peter says about righteous Lot. We don't often think of Lot as a good guy, but did you catch that he is called righteous Lot? God allows the almost scandalous in. If people look at you like you are loose cannon, God just might be calling you righteous.

For those of you who like your "safe" bubble, I like living on the edge of Sodom for one reason. It keeps me well aware there is a battle going on, and it keeps me on my toes. I seek His face more because the people of 'my' Sodom and I NEED Him. Sometimes the drama of Sodom is too much, and I like to go to the green spaces outside the city, but if I didn't have a sea of multi ethnic faces with desperate stories as a regular part of my life, where would I be? 

Instead of being on defense only, why not go on offense and join us on the edge? We live on the fringe, for sanity's sake. If you want to jump all in, we can tell you where to buy a house.

After all, God's the God of it all. This city. This street. These people. And He is greater then all the volumes of horrific epistles that could be written. How big is your God in your mind? 

Like C.S. Lewis once said, "He is not safe. But He is good." As one of my favorite teachers says, "We don't go because it's safe. We go because we're called." And one last quote to clinch the argument is that the "safest place to be is in the center of God's will." 

Go touch your world, because you judged Him to be greater then anything that evil could create havoc with.