Toxic

This word, toxic, comes up a lot these days.

Toxic Charity is a great book if you help people.

Winter requires trips to the library. Once this year, there was a book that caught my eye. It talked about why boys aren't doing as well as girls in school. With few exceptions, I call home concerning more boys’ behavior than girls, so instantly I am intrigued. One reason was toxins in the environment. It was a fascinating read by a male author, but this is not what I going to zoom in on.

Recently, I met friends for coffee and one of them made a statement, then asked if I would speak on toxic relationships. Ummm! Not in front of the people who I figured she was talking about. They intimidate me, and I barely know them. You notice anything toxic entering here?!? Well, since I prefer writing to speaking, I will take her challenge here.

She had been reflecting on a statement made by a friend that went like this: (said by a man to friend's friend so I will try to get the main idea down here) Women being quiet in church has given us ladies a chance and the license to be lukewarm and leave spiritual growth to the men. As she was thinking through this scenario, she wondered if this is how women become toxic. I think she is on to something. I think women should be pushing themselves towards growth but stay in their place. Is that how all toxins enter however? No, I don’t think so.

Unfulfilled expectations is another place that toxic stuff can enter in. You mess with my dreams, my hopes, and my wishes and suddenly you see a side of me that neither of us knew before, unless God enters in the picture. I think this is true for all of us.

Inner vows are another entry point. It may be a good sounding thing at first glance like “Our team will not have team conflict” or “Our church will not have a split.” Truth is wherever there are people, there will be conflict. If there isn’t, something is wrong. In the New Testament already, when the church was still young, you can read about conflict. If conflict is strangely missing, someone is either being a doormat or something and is agreeing externally. Healthy is a constant give and take.

Life has stresses and trauma it likes to throw at us. When these come along, we can soon tell who is coping and who isn’t. We can become toxic without realizing it in these moments.

A friend once said that behind every church split, is a controlling woman and possibly her cohorts. I would say strong women, even if they aren’t all exactly controlling. Women who don’t respect their husbands, and do things their husbands told them not to. This stuff is real, ladies and gentlemen.

How did they become so toxic? Adam was passive when Eve ate the poison. But she chose to believe lies. And history keeps repeating itself. Because I am a woman, I will address the ladies.

I was taking out the trash, and thinking about this blog, when I noticed once again that groundhogs are doing damage to the foundation of the garden shed in my backyard. I'm not sure which is more toxic: their damage or the fact that I yet need to call my dad or someone to catch them. When it comes to this kind of thing, I am all girl. But anyway, it illustrates exactly how when we notice foundational damages in our lives, we don't always immediately going running to our Heavenly Father. That's asking for more damage or more toxins to enter.

For the strong women: (the rest of you can skip this section)
Strong women need to control their toxicity more then others cause they have the propensity to do that much more damage. I don’t think every woman who is toxic is a strong woman, but since the strong normally bully the weak, I’ll address the Queens.
I am a strong woman whether I like it or not. Mostly not, but reality is, it’s what’s helping me survive the journey. Strong women wrestle with this whole deal of being quiet and submissive, while still using gifts of administration and let’s just be honest, leadership. Some good men actually stepped in and kept me from having to talk about leadership at a conference in India. I didn’t even know that I was asked, till after they stopped the plan. I was grateful to not do it, because I have had my share of questions and have come out ok with the way God set things up. I think where we come out at on the struggle, and how we handle our gifting makes all the difference in whether we become toxic or not.
A few concepts that I learned through my wrestling...
Talk about it honestly with the guys. I still feel bad for the guy who got a full venting of my frustration as I told a leader debriefing our whole group together, that I struggle with men who won’t lead, even when they have the free privileges to it, when some of us women have to sit on ourselves to stay in our place. Today, that isn’t nearly the struggle it was then, mostly because I talked about it that night, was heard, and could move on. This is why I stress honest but kind communication. I acknowledge that you will not always be heard, but that is the reality of vulnerability.
Leadership includes being visionary among other things. I connect more with being a dreamer then any other aspect. That might not be you. Sorry if it doesn't help.
Experiences teach you the hard sides of leadership and give you appreciation for those who step up and do it all the time. I was an internship leader, and the decision making ultimately fell to me, even though the other girl gave her opinion. Not an easy thing to figure things out cross culturally and make sure you offended no one. Another time, a man told a whole group that I was in charge of an event, and they were going to have to do whatever I said! Ok... I took it then, but I kinda doubt that I would now. I have some more then capable men to work under, so I gladly let them lead. (And get a little ticked if someone insults their ability cause you know you can say what you want to a strong woman, but you better not knock her family or friends)
On the other side of the struggle, being a strong woman can truly be a blessing. Learning how to steer this strength is the challenge, and then it can be powerful as you remain calm in difficult situations while continuing to offer your gifts with a new humble, surrendered and joyful spirit.
It's a worthwhile learning curve.

Back to toxin control:
-Gossip has got to go. Find a mentor and talk with them about issues, not the whole community.
-If you are not in a healthy place yourself, avoid people who you know you struggle with. You can’t do it permanently, but give yourself a break and recoup before you put yourself in a potential war zone.
-Don’t give mouthy people permission to rule the day. You choose what your day feels like. Don’t let them steal your happiness or give you anxiety attacks.
-Your opinions also matter and may be just as right as theirs, even if they are not popular in a group you find yourself part of. You don’t have to shut down who you are. They should still respect you.
-Pray like crazy about your relationship with them. God works miracles.
-Allow close friends from outside the situation to know you are struggling and let them speak into it.
-Don’t let someone’s jealousy define you. Having someone else tell me that this is the other woman’s problem, not mine was one of the best things that helped me. But you may not hear that. Tell yourself that now. It can’t all be your fault, your issues, or your problems.
-Acknowledge you didn't get everything right either.
-Bless the other people involved.
-Don't get bitter, get better.
-In the end, it’s just plain messy, hard and ugly. Sometimes leaving is the only way to cope. You aren’t a quitter, or whatever you call yourself either just because you walked away.
-If they judge you wrong, or assume things, you are not obligated to explain anything. But you are just as worthy of being stuck up for as the next person, and don’t you forget it for a minute.
-Give yourself time to heal. Babylon didn’t fall in a day, and you aren’t going to find a new normal in a day.
-This is no exhaustive list, and reality is I need to hear this as much as you. This toxin stuff feels like shaking a few weak leaves at a perpetual tornado. Eventually it does get to you, and you find you aren’t as strong as you once thought you were.

Post toxic survivors who have processed and journeyed well are the kind of friends that we really want. They know what it feels like to be powerless and caught in hard and messy stuff beyond their comprehension. They have learned truths that forever change them and they can spot someone struggling pretty quickly. If you quietly ask them, they may just offer a bit of their wisdom gained.

What I can give you is hope. What people do for evil intentions, God will use for good. I can testify to that. Truth is we learn more through adversity than through pleasure. True story. It may not be a pleasant experience, and it may be the Noah’s flood of your life, but rainbows and new life come eventually. When you are shaken to the core, light and truth can better permeate through the cracks. Open up to the good things that filter in through the brokenness, and cling to them.

I tell certain ones of my beloved that there are 300 leaders who had two things in common: A bad childhood, (I’ll add bad experiences for some of you) and someone who believed in them. If you already have the first, I pray God sends you the 2nd, if He hasn’t already. Either way, become one of those who believes in somebody. It doesn’t take all the sun, moon, and stars to be an ordinary person who with the help of God can leave an extraordinary impact.

We may think that a perfect world is toxic free, but I think the best people are those who have learned to live with toxins and thrive in spite of the hard. They are truly the strong, as well as the ideal role model for all of us.