Locked Out

The door banged shut, and instantly I knew. I had locked myself out of my own house, with my keys and phone still inside, and my car safely parked in the locked garage. All I had was myself. The guys a 6 minute drive away have a key to the house. Soo... Do I attempt to walk through the "hood" between me and them, and how long will that take, "break in" a window, or should I humbly ask a neighbor if I can borrow their phone, holding my breath as I dial, hoping I remember a phone number correctly??? Long story short, I connected with my neighbors in good ways, and 2 hours later, I was in my home again when one of the guys graciously brought the key over.

You see, life feels like that sometimes. Locked out. Some of it is the fact that living overseas changes you, re-entry is tough, and finding a new normal while processing a very colorful experience abroad is not for the faint of heart. Some of it is that I live in a new community, and building friendships doesn't get easier as we get older. And I am single, with no housemates. Few people understand what I consider my daily grind or the years abroad by personal experience. I get tired of explaining. All I want is eyes that know before I blurt out words. Rare indeed, especially outside of co-workers.

1:48 am is never a good time to wake up. Maybe it's different for you, but a steady stream of negative thoughts are basically all that come at this dark hour. An hour of this flooding is what makes me not want to wake up in the morning again. During the day, it's usually much easier to have positive thoughts.

6 am sets off the alarm. I wake up from a weird dream, and feel like I should read Joshua 4. Ok, am I hearing right? I get there, and it's about the children of Israel crossing Jordan and building a memorial. Oh yeah, this is for me. It's a moment of hope to what feels impossible. Maybe last night's lockout is not the story of my life.

I get to school for what I know will be an abnormal day. What I didn't know is that the unusual schedule would allow me to connect with a colleague who has lived abroad as well. Our re-entry experience is similar. Maybe I'm not locked out of life after all. Somebody else gets the hard part of re-entry!!!! As the day continues, more people text than normal, and my coworker wants to come over and learn how to cook American style. I guess I am not locked out anymore.

Since I could only blame myself for locking the door out of habit, I also thought about the struggle of feeling like something is infinitely wrong with me. I could rattle off the list of faults, just like you might have yours...

Grace offers space for the list. I can come "inside" the house even in spite of... and you can, too. Maybe most people never will understand, but God does. And He arranges circumstances to speak deeply to our hearts.

So for the one person out there who intuitively "gets it by experience," this is for you. I hope you are blessed and encouraged to not give up. It feels vulnerable to share, but you, whoever you are, be blessed. I'm down with a splitting headache, but couldn't rest till I wrote this out for you.

You belong. You're not locked out, or less deserving of the good things. There is room for you. You don't need to stay guarded for the rest of time. You will one day again be a little more sociable and able to give to the world. You have walked through things and survived stuff that most people in our Western world probably will never comprehend that were good life lessons. There may not be many who "get it" but we know that we wouldn't trade the experiences we had for all the extra cash in their pockets. The "hellish" pieces even made or are making you a better person, and you don't want to give that up for anything this petty culture and all its 1st world problems have to offer. Don't give up!