Stop the Craziness!

A friend once recommended a book entitled “Crazy like Us” to me and it's been fodder for rumination ever since that day at Coffee Circle in Shwe Gon Dine, Yangon. Shwe Gon Dine has to be one of the worst traffic jams in this city even though most of Yangon is a perpetual traffic jam. The squealing horns, brakes and tight spaces of overcrowded buses add so much color and illustration to this topic that I can't resist. To be honest, I'd rather get off a mile before and walk the rest of the way. That's my protective self making sure that no body bursts my personal space, or worse, spills their oily lunch on my clothes in the swaying. Isn't that why we have protective selves in the first place? We want to make sure that no one gets too close to our pain, and that their mess doesn't spill over on us. Sometimes, it's for a good reason like not having hours and hours to scrub a dress because someone else's oil stained it, {been there, done that} but sometimes it's just selfishness.

The book shows how the western world of psychology has traveled to the East and given them the same afflictions we deal with that were previously unknown in these cultures. As these mental conditions and diseases were broadcast into these cultures, people who previously had no culturally appropriate way to express a variety of emotional pain would turn to these new ideas and tweak their experiences to fit the symptoms of the illness that was now culturally approved as a legitimate condition. Anorexia, for example, became a “thing” in places where it was unheard of.

In the Mennonite world, we too have culturally appropriate ways to express pain and negative emotions. I've been thinking about how much the way we feel is affected by the culture we find ourselves in, and how it gets expressed. For starters, we could find a lot of workaholics, and justice fighters or on a mission “to save the world and the whales while we're at it” in our circles. These are perfect protective selves. We cheer these efforts, and rally around these people like they are heroes. But we don't stop to think about what might be behind their hard work. Perfectionists, Good and godly, and submissive or telling people what they want to hear instead of hard truth might be other nice protective selves that we turn to in order to cover pain and to find safety. I'm sure I haven't exhausted the list of things that commonly float across a counseling office desk. This isn't to say that all hard work is bad, or that there is a demon behind every good bush. But stop and think about it. Become aware of what you turn to.

We have this deep desire to show that we have it “together.” And even more then that, we have pressure from our culture to have it together. After all, the Gospel dictates that redemption, rescue and saving are part of the story. And these are real, legitimate pieces, but we don't often give room for “Paul's thorn in the flesh.” God doesn't always heal instantly, or permanently. We'd like that, and often we expect that, or feel that expectation from others. So we reach for protective measures so no one knows what pain we have going on.

Am I suggesting that we don't confront external issues? No. We should deal with things, and sharpen iron with iron with accountability and relationships where mutual growth is encouraged.

Am I suggesting we go find excuses from our past and reasons for our behavior and people to cast blame on? No. 

What I am suggesting is that we embrace the process. That we dare to ride the waves of it all. Feel the pain and the joy. And be real with ourselves, instead of believing the lies we tell ourselves.

We claim to value authenticity, but then conform to whatever gets the approval of the people around us. What I'm suggesting is that we be real with the protective selves we wear, the masks we flippantly change out even subconsciously, and that we dare to sit with the pain long enough to allow healing from the inside out instead of an external act that lasts for a while. If we can be honest with ourselves and a few trusted friends as needed, we can find the freedom to relax, watch our pain ebb away, and become whole.

What if we started giving mass invitations in our culture to be real? What if we allowed people to be who they are, and not create these certain cultural norms for how one should act or handle certain topics? Last time I checked, when I was in a group (outside of very close friends) that I felt safe enough to be completely real with them, I actually was more mellow then protective self I'm used to turning to. :) Oh, there were a few dramatic moments, but basically that was just from the anxiety of getting the pain out, and spoken to the group. I soon discovered the freedom I found was worth far more then the panic of spilling. So don't think that if you let all cultural norms go, the world will become crazy. I think if we are really real, and offer a safe space, peace starts to flow, and makes things more sane.

I have a conjecture of a theory that if we all stopped using our protection and masks, a lot of striving, conflict and more would cease. If we had any idea of the magnitude of what someone else was going through, or saw things through their eyes, we'd likely have more empathy for them. Can we let our own guards down as well so that others can see our own vulnerabilities we try to hide? We're hurt in relationships but we also heal in relationships.

So the real heart of this matter is to let ourselves and others sit in the pain, and allow God to heal from the inside out. He is the best Healer out there. We are not going to find it till the day we chose to feel the waves, the storm, in it's full blast. But in the eye of the storm, there is a calm that carries us through. So regardless of what cultural norms are out there, and what people around expect, or project on us, venture into the middle of the pain. Go deep enough to focus on what is beneath the external drama and the things you reach for. There is where you will find healing.

Guess what?! even if you keep tight reigns on your protective gear, subconsciously things will still spill out. A reminder of one pain may nudge you on to hint at another. I realized more recently that for some reason, I waited to numbly tell someone about some painful news I'd heard that morning till hours later as we rounded the same corner where another painful, traumatic conversation had happened years before. I could have said something sooner, but I believe now that the prior unprocessed event triggered spilling the news there. And the crazy thing is, I never made the connection till after I found healing from the first event that the second conversation was on the same corner. I'm saying all this to say, you can only protect so much. At some point, pain spills when it's triggered.

While both of these events have impacted me in ways I don't even fully understand, I can testify to healing coming years later. If it's been a long time, give up the protection masks and go there with God and a few trusted people. Healing can come!

As was illustrated at a trauma conference by Becca Johnson that I attended a few years ago, one incident can knock a person off kilter and as they flounder around, they seem to attract more trauma, which makes the tailspin go even faster. So why not deal with it as it happens? :)

One thing I really want to be more aware of and do more of is go to God and sit awhile after drama, because that is when we are most vulnerable to lies coming in. Stop clenching my fists, being a strong woman and just turn in to God for comfort and deeper understanding of the situation. I'm amazed at how clear things get to be when I let go of the protective things, and turn towards Him.

I recently read a secular book about healing after toxic relationships. While not from a Christian perspective, the author encourages us to forgive and center in on unconditional love, both of which are strong Biblical principles. I want to leave you here with hope, and something to dig into... and the next blog will be exegetic of these 2 topics.