Wolf Pack

 Who is your pack, your tribe? Levi Lusko explained in his book, Take Back Your Life, the nature of the wolves. Yes, they howl, but they also nurture each other. Having a support group makes all the difference between whether you can stay in the battle or not.

So the burning question is, "How do I grow my pack?" 

Diane Langberg in Suffering and the Heart of God talks to the people who help others. She says that you will face secondary trauma, time and again. She said that you need moral support and she is absolutely right.

So once again, "How do you build a pack?"

Praying for one. I think God wants to supply the needs of the army.

Being real. I've started talking more to a few people who have been there as well. I need to dare to be more vulnerable. To do this, you have to be rooted in trust and truth.

Appreciate the relationships you have. If you have always lived in one town, you can take this for granted. The older I get, the harder it is to start new relationships. And if you have a track record like mine of moving a lot, it's even worse.

Don't force it, but be relational. And sometimes cut yourself slack when you don't have what it takes cause you're empty. I understand completely. But take an interest, and introduce yourself even if it's awkward. Especially if you are in Florida and the majority at church are visiting. The locals are not snobs, they are just overwhelmed by all the billion touring Menno. How would you feel if every Sunday morning for a few months more than 50% of the people at church are visitors?

Lusko says body language and posture impacts your connection to the pack. Think about the vibes you give. What you do normally comes back at you. There's a lot to unpack on this so spend your time chewing on the bone.

Spend time together. There's definitely different interests you might share with a few. From buying a burger or ice cream, to reading a book together or combing the beach for shells, find your common ground and go for it.

Right now, I'm blessed with a lot of new people who totally intrigue me. I want to know their stories, and what makes them tick. They haven't lived ordinary lives by the hints I've gotten. I don't know if they are candidates for my wolf pack, or would even want to be. But something makes me want to be a cheerleader pack member for them. That last sentence. Reflect on it. Instead of building your own wolf pack, build someone else up. Be intrigued by them. Take an interest. Build them up. Pray for them.

The best question then is, "How can I bless those around me cause we're 'packed' together in life?

Pain has Purpose

 5 years ago this week, I flew into Myanmar thinking it would be my forever home. It had been my dream, my goal for 9 years prior to that. In fact, to the exact date that only God could have timed. A lot of life, conflict, highlights and lowlights happened the following 2 years. Completely shattered dreams. And I no longer wanted to be there. 

I came home too raw to think straight. If I would tell myself (and you if you are raw) what to do different after "raw," I would say, "chill for a while, and don't rush into anything because you don't want to perpetrate more pain on yourself or anyone else." 

Post Asia, I didn't chill and almost immediately entered into the hell of a few people's lives this side of the pond while trying to sort out my own 2 years of harsh life experience. Some pain was mine, but a bunch wasn't. As we enter into their lives, if you are like me, you don't expect to pay the extravagant cost of feeling their pain as well. I'm still trying to sort this out, but I think it is freeing to acknowledge how hard this burden can be when you lump all of a community's issues together. Vicarious trauma is a thing. In the myriad of global pain, we can learn so many things. They from us, and us from them. This could take so many directions in this universal pain, but let's allow it to be our teacher. 

It was the pain of it all that which brought me to see life from a very different angle. I remember the day when I came to God and said "I am not coming to You to intercede for any ethnic groups. I'm coming cause I need help." My direction and purpose has changed an unfathomable amount since then. (in a good way) When life is going well, we don't ask for help. We obliviously might need assistance, but pain is what opens our eyes to seeing the need.

I never dreamed that I would be living in Florida, working in a hotel as a housekeeper of all things 5 years later. I had other work plans when I moved here, but it turned out different. I don't think it matters. See when life simply doesn't turn out the way we thought, we have a choice: believe that the Bible is true when God says His ways are higher than ours, or not. We also have the choice of how we respond to the pain of life turning out differently than we thought. 

Pain has a way of spelling out what some really foundational truths are for our hearts to understand. For example, my identity as God sees me doesn't depend on what I do. I can be a housekeeper instead of an English teacher and He loves me just the same. My right to Salvation is not any different. 

Pain also can open doors for opportunities you would never have otherwise as Levi Lusko says. He has some great thoughts in his book, 'Take back your life.'  If you are processing pain, read this guy's stuff. If you have not been there yourself, it's hard to speak into something in someone's life.

I remember wanting to shoot the lady who said that some day this whole crazy Asia story was going to be a gold mine for me. It was simply too painful at that moment. But I understand what cross cultural workers face like I didn't before. And I have a completely different outlook on conflict because of it. It ain't all bad, just saying. Your pain is also where you can go mining for more of God. It changed my heart direction in life. So yes, she spoke truth. We learn more through hard times then through the good ones. And we can offer hope to others coming through similar trails because we've been there.

While I never want to relive it, it's my Noah's Flood. There was the before, the during and the after. God got me through it so that is my Ark. It changed everything just like the Flood so nothing was "old normal" anymore. You probably have some experience kinda like Noah's story yourself. This process could be called character development. Let the process of pain happen so you grow from it. You'll find a rainbow after the struggle and say the journey was worth it.

I've also become excruciatingly aware of the coping mechanisms that I turn to because of the pain. Have you ever thought about how absurd it is to turn to anything outside of God? If it wasn't for pain, I may not have turned to these things, but neither would I have realized how easily I can be deceived. Pain has woken me up to see how hell bent I can be. Ouch. Think about it for yourself. Pain is what opens our eyes to better options then self destructing.

One last thing. God wastes nothing. People can judge me for this move to Florida, but I get the feeling that there's a far greater story going on here. Burnout, pain and bad choices of the past may have led me here, but I can't reveal the things yet that are amazing small but important details that so easily could hugely impact my future right in the middle of current circumstances. What if pain leads us to the future vision we want? I'm intrigued to say the least by stuff I didn't see coming. And I think God can do the same for you in whatever crazy unplanned circumstances you find yourself in. Your pain will not be wasted for sure.

So if you are tempted to quit, don't. Your pain has a purpose. 

Hope: {from the floor}

 Are they trafficking the kids? I don't know, but why don't we consult the missing children network?

Why did he leave the family, and move in with the murdered man's wife of all people?

Is the rumor true that his dad is a drug dealer? Maybe there's a reason he is a known bully? What if he had a "good" daddy instead and he was given a different example to follow? What if his little sister didn't have to go home every night to an empty house for a few hours before any adults got home?

Why is that car shot full of bullet holes?

Her kids were taken supposedly cause of an ipad sold for drugs and it ended up still being found in a safe place. So why were they taken?

Her daughter was hit by a car, and recovered. So why does mom have memory problems that are typical of trauma victms?

Why does a little girl need to die after her dad runs a stop sign right after an argument with mom? 

What's behind the anger problem of 2 nd grader "Soe"?

Why is "Aung" or "Su" not in school again for the upteenth day?

Why should a girl miss school cause dad is in jail for a few weeks?

Why does a mom of a baby need to walk her older kids to school every day in the winter? 

What if an adult hadn't found the knives?

Ever been witness to foster kids acting out the traumas they have lived through? It messes with you like almost nothing can...

Why is the floor wet all the time in their apartment? Several injuries later, I think it's fixed, but who will take care of dialysis trips and other ongoing things?

Where is the church? Why does it feel like I live in a 3rd world country most of the week, and then make a trip to the 1st world on Wednesday night and Sunday morning?

There's a lot more stories. 

Questions. Real life situations. 

How do you stay engaged, and not burn out? There's a lot of trauma and damage that is a normal part of refugee life.  Married people chasing each other with knives. Yes, they don't know a different kind of normal. So how do you process the drama, and not get messed up?

Burn out is real. Answers don't come easily. I've made mistakes in how I handle and cope. But there's got to be a way to do life without making radical moves to Florida to regroup.

Diane Langberg said in Suffering and the Heart of God that first all of life is allowed for one purpose: glorifying God. And she gives us 3 steps for how to approach all of this chaos. First, with Him. Next, for Him. And finally, by Him. He helps us do impossible. A lot of us need to be begging Him to change us first so we can be like Him. At least I have to. 

So what are the secret weapons for dealing with desperate scenarios?

God, God, and God. Maybe there's a reason for the trinity beyond some theological explanation?:)

Letting God fix my heart first. Unhealthy stuff and wounds of the past are terrible motivation for helping someone else, unless they are healed. Huge.

Companionship. People who enter the trench. Rare gems, but worth praying for and cultivating relationship with if you have them. The people who are involved at this level don't look or act much like me, but I get hope and encouragement from seeing and knowing that they are out there. Anyone interested in helping is actually encouraging. I'm hoping for some to partner with more in the future.

Social life. Some recharge for the batteries helps.

Setting expectations realistically is a game changer. Change doesn't happen overnight for most people. It doesn't for the stubborn ones like me, at least. What if success is simply being there for people as a witness? What if their lives never change, and all I am actually supposed to do is offer an ounce of love when their need is for a fire tank engine full of love to combat the trauma? What if my prayers are not answered, and their lives get worse instead of better? What if God never called me to fix everything?

I know. I ask too many questions. Ever since I was a small child, I have asked enough questions to earn the name, "Question Box." A few family jokes center around odd answers to my questions. But I still think questions are worth asking.

I don't have it figured out, but I think Langberg in her book brings out a truth. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and enter into messy situations. We are also called to enter in, but not necessarily to bring success and transformation. PTL! If that happens. But we are only asked to sit in and show a different kind of normal. We don't have to be the Saviour, the mechanic, or the Doctor. We just are who we are because of what Jesus did in our lives, and that is enough.

We don't have to write long reports, make up crazy goals, and measure success by human expectations. We need to focus on Jesus, be as healthy as possible emotionally and spiritually, and show up to love those around us. 

We don't need more unrealistic expectations for performance thrown at us by the powers that be. No crazy challenge to do another project when we are already tired. No judgement when we can't keep up anymore. No self righteous airs need to be mentioned. At some point, we just have to stop people pleasing and make peace with reality that their expectations and my ability doesn't match. 

 We just need more people who are willing to say that they laid on their kitchen floor and cried and needed counseling several times during their career. People who offer grace. Thank God some of these brave women showed up for me! We need people who admit that they need transformation as much as the broken situations I mentioned earlier. That's when burnout stops for a second. And hope begins. 

Beautiful hope.

When you are at the bottom, and you find God can still reach beneath your floor, there's new hope. I've laid there myself and played Laura Story's 'You Cannot be Stopped', on repeat. I've found hope in knowing He is not challenged by any circumstances.

Be real. Offer hope through the mutual mess, instead of sounding like you got it together. Let the scenarios remind us of how much we need God ourselves. Offer the hope that is only found on kitchen floors. 

I'm still in recovery. Maybe still in heart surgery. Keep praying for the journey.

Divine Providence

 I wasn't offered a job I was pretty confident that I could do back in 2018. So I was jobless for a week longer than I hoped. 

A lot can happen in a week. I was invited to a meeting that was far more important then I knew until I arrived. I looked around at the dignitaries who sat around the table. State Representatives, Police officer, non-profit directors, and the girl who had recently returned from Asia. The only thing I felt I had in common was that I observed around half were left handed like me. Not much to have in common, but it was something. The topic was refugees so we quickly forgot our differences, and dug in.

Sitting across from me was the woman who eventually would be my boss at district level. She is one who believes in people, and gives them a chance. So for the past 2.5 school years, I have had this position because way back when I was rejected from another opportunity, I had the time to go to a meeting with the big people. A meeting that would shape a bit of my life.  I didn't start working for her immediately, and for the summer, I had another job that would accommodate my emotional rollercoaster of re-entry. As soon as I was hired at EACS, I realized it was a Providential Hand that gave me a week of free time in the spring.

Sometimes, it's clear. God has us hemmed in behind and before. Sometimes we can hear Him say, "This is the way, walk in it." 

Sometimes, it's not as clear, and we have to remember the ways He led us in the past. Once, we drove to the Thai/Burma border looking for possibilities, and hit the jackpot of Opportunities. It was one step that led to another. Another time, God promised me 3 times that the door would be open. Only later did I find out that the agent working on our visas had to apply the 3rd time before she was successful, and then we were in the last group to get visas. I could tell a lot of stories, and you probably have bunch of your own. Remember those stories.

Other times, confirmation comes alongside us, one moment at a time. I handed in my resignation at work, and the next day I overheard a conversation that said they had a replacement. I had been praying that they would find someone before I left, so it was an answer to prayer.

Rick always told us to follow the peace of God. There's a lot of reassuring that comes with it. We might not know what is coming next, but we don't have to worry. 

We are commanded to be anxious about nothing, but pray about everything. In waiting, it's not easy. But if you go around the mulberry bush of change often enough, it does get easier.

So in the space of waiting to see what 2021 will hold, I reflect on God's goodness, and thank Him for the stories of the past. Stories that clearly dictate that no matter how much I try or do, ultimately there is a Divine Providential Hand on all of the details in life.

Instead of waiting until we can see it clearly, let's start praising and thanking God for what He has done, and what He will do in the future before we know what it is.

If He gives us a idea of what might be coming, but it feels impossible, then let's reflect on Who He is, and His capability, not the circumstances. Cause in the end, it's what His Providential Hand does, instead of what we do.

He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we can imagine!

What Color is Your Jesus?

 Some of you think I am going to travel some racial path right now, and you are checking to see if I'm on the "right track" or not. Then depending on what I say, you're going to forever value or discount everything else I say. Well, relax. I'm not going down that track.

I have experienced Jesus in tangible ways around the hood that would make the best Pharisees cast me out of their synagogue for what I have concluded. Jesus restores and indwells bodies with tattoos, male hair buns, and more that totally breaks the church rule of normal. And He restores my soul through them. Get that. He restores my soul through them. 

God is even answering my prayers through THEM. They are showing up to work in the hard places. They were not what I was picturing when I was hoping more loving people would show up in this hood. But it blesses me to see SOMEONE is stepping up. They work here. They live here. They are for these people. 

Which brings me to this... Jesus came for Publicans and Sinners. He wasn't focused on reaching the Pharisees, or the people who have it 'all together.' 

In James it says, "Pure religion and undefiled before God is this: to love the widow and fatherless and keep yourself unspotted from the world." See when you get involved, it gets messy. God knew that. So He told us to get in there and love. And keep ourselves clean. The latter takes on meaning when you enter into the mess, and start to realize how easily lies can enter in if you are busy doing good things, and not watching your thoughts closely.

The reality is though that if I am seeing right in the hood (s) I have been in, that God uses messy, broken people to get the job done. Pharisees have never done anything besides add drama to life. Drama like trying to keep up with the Jones family. And the Pharisees miss out on some of the best things in life cause they get stuck on stuff. They never understood the 7:47 principle which means that "he who has been forgiven little, loves little. He who has been forgiven much, loves much." I pray we all realize that we are desperately lost Sinners in need of a Saviour.

So what does your Jesus "with skin on" look like? Maybe He's all clean, shiny and perfect as a peach. 

I'll take the variety that I have come across any time. These get into the lives of the fatherless. They are overwhelmed by the messy, but they are not scared of it because they know Jesus.

And knowing Him is really what life is all about.

Abiders

There's a whole new level beyond being a follower! It's the Abider level. 

God has been using Ann VosKamp's devotional email and the local sacred community group to show how exhilarating a plan He has. He has been using all of life to push me towards the only thing He knows will sustain and carry me through. Himself.

God has really been talking through the ages through His Word in John 15 about abiding. But here's the exciting part: He told us the secret for our joy. And not just for a little thrill, but a beyond the moon, cloud nine, whipped cream kind of happiness that actually lasts a lot longer than the cherry on top! He cares about our joy! He doesn't hide the secret to happiness, but spells it out for us.

Abiding can seem like a hard command. Like what is this anyway? Ann did a great job on exploring the topic, so I will gladly forward the email, if you want to read her words on Abiding.

In sacred community, we read John 15 and it came alive to me. Jesus wasn't pushing us towards abiding or pruning for His sake, but ours. Our joy matters to Him!

When this world offers nothing more than mere survival, desperately needy drama, and abyss of trouble, remember that God wants to give you something different. Something that will bring you pure joy, found by abiding.

Abiding requires trust. You are not going to sit with Someone who you don't believe completely. 

Abiding means I don't do it on my strength anymore, but His. It's an acknowledgement that I don't depend on myself anymore.

Abiding is transformation waiting to happen. 

So if you read my last blog post aka rant, then know that I also need a lot of growth. There's a call to higher ground then I have reached. Abiding and going on HIS strength, not my own, will be the way forward.

Fan or Follower

I'm going to borrow the title of a recent sermon for a rampage of thoughts barging their way through my mind, and even disrupting my sleep.

Family is Uber important in the Menno world (and it is important) but should it be more important than God? Jesus said unless we forsake father and mother, we can't be a Disciple... Not sure what weight our excuses hold against Jesus' words.

 How can a church full of people sit brooding over hurt feelings and contemplating a split when not so far away is a woman who needs to go to dialysis 3 days a week with no one to support her? I understand hurt feelings. I've been there. But let's not get hung up there. There's lessons to be learned, and then we need to offer hope from our own broken pieces to those who know messy better then we can imagine it.

I have begged for social worker support for more than a month, and gone on all kinds of emotional rollercoaster rides for refugee friends over a much longer period of time, but beyond the social worker community, I don't get any better response from the Christian ppl around.

I don't tell stories for entertainment or any sensations. In fact, I hate just being entertainment. But when people have called me for help for the upteenth time for a lost child or to run them to the ER... What am I to say or do when I am personally running low on all my resources, and there's no one else to call?

You don't speak the right language, you say. Love trumps every language. 

There's needs in the church, but a lot of them would resolve themselves if we stopped the platitudes in Sunday School and dived into real world problems to get our eyes off ourselves. 

I like coffee too, but sometimes it feels pretty shallow people on Instagram or Facebook, if you know what I mean. First world problems.

Why does it seem like ppl like to hear that someone is doing something as long as it doesn't require them to do anything? Or maybe they can give to a cause, but they don't want to get messy themselves? How is that ok?

There's just a lot wrong with this world and I don't understand. Maybe you can help me, but don't start on the platitudes. It's simply too much.

Lately, there's been a lot of hard stuff that isn't easy, and I don't have answers. It would be easier to live on the other side of the world and not regularly crash between 2 different worlds called the city and church.

But I think that sermon on Sunday set something straight in my mind. There's a lot more fans than followers in God's House these days. 

Followers pray and listen. They take orders. They live from the overflow of a relationship, but that's a whole other blog post. Followers don't just know facts. Followers are in a relationship with the God they love. And there's where I see how much I still need to grow as a faithful follower. You can choose to be a fan, but I would take all the aspects of being a follower. Sometimes, coffee comes with it!;)